#one-liner

I totally get your eyebrows. My bank account is overdrawn, too.

Chocolate coins are easily the most delicious of all coins; plus, they don't get stuck in your teeth like pennies.

"VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!" - Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6

im an exhausting person to be around but once you get to knnow me im actually a giant shithead with irredeemable mouth

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

Mom, dad... I'm gay. I didn't know either, someone on the internet told me

Step 1: Stay up late Step 2: Get up early Step 3: Hate the Earth

You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom

Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I'll try harder.

Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.

Sephora is my favorite place to fart.

Bird of peace? The dove Bird of war? The hawk Bird of true love? ..wait for it... .... The swallow *walks offstage

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming "KITT!" When he can't find his car.

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

Mom, can you take us to the maul? -teen bears, probably

I opened the microwave without knocking and caught my hot dogs touching tips.

This is so embarrassing, what's your name again? - me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

turn on: when you double space your essay and it goes from 3 to 5 pages

Date: "I don't like Taco Bell." *Pushes her in front of a bus.*

I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, mo problems" hypothesis.

If you date a Chinese girl and you don't want to meet her parents, you're doing it Wong.

I am at my most drunk when I go from chat room to chat room yelling WHO STOLE MY POPTART!!

Things look 'a whole lot brighter in the morning' because of the sun. They still suck.

Wyclef Jean has been hospitalized for fatigue and I know how he feels. I've been tired of his ass for years.