#john-deere

The Tortured Life of a Tractor Enthusiast (Very Shaggy Dog Joke!) So there was this guy Dave, and Dave had always loved tractors despite being a city boy. Ever since he had been 5 years old he had wanted to own one in particular, a massive green John Deere with yellow wheels. For his tenth birthday his parents brought him a poster of this tractor and Dave worshipped it. He had this poster above his bed and would gaze at it for hours before he went to sleep. As soon as he was old enough Dave drop…

A chef complains that the kitchen is too smokey and the owner offers a free meal to anyone who can solve the problem. So a farmer walks into the restaurant and sits his young son on a bar stool. The boy is wearing a John Deere t-shirt, a Massey Fergusson jacket and a Ford cap. The farmer then turns to his son. ""Son""', he says, ""it's time for the truth. John Deere tractors are nothing but a pile of shit. Massey Fergusson tractors are even worse, they're just a steaming pile of horse shit. And …

An Arab and a Jew oil Sheikh that was in a coma and needed a blood transfusion to survive. Being O- it was hard for him to get a donor with the same rare blood type. Finally they found an old Jewish farmer that was listed as a blood donor with the same blood type. However he was very reluctant to give his blood to save an Arab guy. Finally after lots of discussions and pestering by doctors he agreed to donate only enough blood to help make sure the Arab guy was stabilized. After the blood transf…

I used to love John Deere and Massey Ferguson... but now I'm an ex-tractor fan.

How do you break up with a farmer long-distance? A John Deere letter.

The John Deere manure spreader It's the only product the company won't stand behind

Old southern farmer walks into a law office to get a divorce The farmer says, I want a deevorce. The lawyer asks, do you have grounds? Farmer: Yes I have 40 acres. Lawyer: No No I mean do you have a case? Farmer: No I have a John Deere Lawyer: UGH, you are not getting it, do you have a grudge?? Farmer: Yea, that is where I keep my John Deere. Frustrated Lawyer: OK lets try this, what is wrong with her, is she a nagger? Farmer: No but our son is that is why I want the deeeeevorce

Regarding the SCOTUS approval of gay marriage, Iowa representative Steve King has just said (and this is a real quote) ""you could marry your your lawnmower with this decision"". Marrying your lawnmower is fine, but when it comes time to leave, writing that John Deere letter is the toughest part.

The farmer's wife just ran off with a farm equipment salesman. She wrote him a John Deere letter.

The Robot Bartender A guy goes into a bar and there is a robot bartender. The robot says, ""What will you have?"" The guy says ""Martini."" The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, ""What's your IQ?"" The guy says, ""168."" The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology. The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, ""What will you have?"" The guy says, ""Martini"". Again, the robot make…

An farmer walks in to a lawyer's office in Alabama... And he says to the lawyer, ""Sir, I'd like to get a divorce."" To which the lawyer says, ""Well, do you have a suit?"" ""Yes, I sure do"", the man replies. ""Wear it to church every Sunday."" ""That's not what I mean. Do you have a case?"" ""No, you see I've always been a John Deere man myself. Never had a Case in my life."" ""Sir, do you have any issues with your wife. Did she cheat on you, is she a niggard?"" To which the farmer replies, ""…

My favorite joke, courtesy of my buddys dad. (A Newfy is a Newfoundlander, A north eastern Canadian it's interchangeable, just how I heard the joke) A Newfy calls up his lawyer looking for a divorce. The lawyer curious of the circumstances says ""Great! do you have a suit?"" The Newfy replies ""Yup, wears it to church every Sunday."" The lawyer thinking says ""Hmmm, No, Do you have any grounds?"" The Newfy retorts ""Yup, gots me 15 acres."" The lawyer still pondering how to simplify it continues…

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, ""May I help you?"" The farmer said, ""Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."" The attorney said, ""well do you have any grounds?"" The farmer said, ""Yea, I got about 140 acres."" The attorney said, "" No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"" The farmer said, ""No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."" The attorney said, ""No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"" Th…

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance. * Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. * A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. * Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled. * Meanness don't jes' happen overnight. * Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads. * Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. * It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. * Yo…

An Arab and a Jew There was an Arab oil Sheikh that was in a coma and needed a blood transfusion to survive. Being AB+ it was hard for him to get a donor with the same rare blood type. Finally they found an old Jewish farmer that was listed as a blood donor with the same blood type. However he was very reluctant to give his blood to save an Arab guy. Finally after lots of discussions and pestering by doctors he agreed to donate only enough blood to help make sure the Arab guy was stabilized. Af…

A Farmer goes to town and enters a lawyer's office. "Mr. Lawyer," he says, "I'd like to get one of them die-vorces." "Well," replies the lawyer, "do you have any grounds?" "Yessir, 'bout 180 acres out near the county line." "No, what I meant was, do you have a case?" "Naw, but I do have a John Deere." "No, No, No, do you have a grudge?" "Yup, park my John Deere in it evry night." "Look here, do you have a suit?" "'Course, wear it to church evry Sunday." "You're not making this easy on…

A farmer walked into an attorneys office... A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?” The farmer said, “Yeah. I want to get one of those dee-vorces.” The attorney asked, “Well, do you have any grounds?” The farmer replied, “Yeah. I got about 140 acres.” The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand. Do you have a case?” The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.” The attorney said, “No you don’t u…

Redneck Divorce A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce. Attorney: "May I help you?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces". Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres." Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deer…

Joke my math professor told me today. A man and his wife are having trouble with their marriage. They fight all the time and they have been continually becoming less physical. The man decides to visit his pastor on the subject. To which the minister proclaims, "You have to do something nice to attract her." The man responds, "Are you sure this will work?" and the pastor persists, "Yes, just do something nice to attract her, it will work I promise." And so the man goes home to get ready. Hours l…

A farmer walked into a attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce... The farmer said; "Yea, I want to get me one of those Day-vorces." The attorney said; "Do you have any grounds?" The farmer said; "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said; "No sir, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said; "No I don't have a case, but I have a John Deere....." The attorney said; "No, you don't understand, do you have any grudges?" The farmer said; "Yea I have a grudge, …

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office... ... wanting to file for divorce. Attorney: "May I help you?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces". Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres." Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere." Atto…

**Did you know how the tractor salesman found out that his wife left him?** He came home from work and found a John Deere letter.

Smart Robot A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology. The guy leaves, but he is curious. So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." Again, the robot makes a great martini giv…

Did you hear about the farmer whose wife left him for a traveling tractor salesman? She wrote him a John Deere letter.

How does a tractor break up with its boyfriend? With a John Deere letter.