#google

My New Girlfriend Facebook asks what I'm thinking. Twitter asks what I'm doing. Google asks where I am. The internet has turned into my girlfriend.

I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!' I thought, "That's just spam."

Thoughts from 25-35 year olds ~Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.~ ~I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.~ ~I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.~ ~I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.~ ~Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedoph…

Is Google a Boy or a Girl? A girl, because it tries to complete your sentences for you, and it *never ever* forgets what you said.

(NSFW) I heard that Research In Motion, the company that makes BlackBerry phones, is hiring. So I ran a Google search on RIM Jobs. And you know what? I don't think I'm cut out for this line of work after all.

If you're going to do something illegal don't plan it through Facebook Do it somewhere private where no one will see you, like google+.

In light of Google becoming Alphabet, Gmail will be replaced with "Alpha Mail."

5 people are in a plane that is about to crash. The five people are: -Trump -Morgan Freeman -Larry Page -The Pope -A schoolboy There are only 4 parachutes. Morgan freeman says that he is an entertainer of millions, and jumps out of the plane with a parachute. Larry Page says that he founded Google, and jumps out of the plane with a parachute. Trump says that he is the smartest man in America, and jumps out of the plane with a parachute. There are only two people left, and one parachute. T…

My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that I could make such a mistake and asked how I could possibly do this when the breast would be round and make it difficult to get the turkey to not roll. …

A panda bear walks into a resturant.. And orders some food, after his meal the server comes out and asks how everything was and the panda bear pulls a gun a shoots him. The manager comes out and says "hey man what's going on?" The panda bear replies "I'm a panda bear Google it.." and leaves. The manager curiously Googled panda bear and was reading "panda bear: black and white bear, eats chutes and leaves."

Google+ is the gym of social networking. We all join, but nobody actually uses it.

Seven year old brother hit me with this one Him: How do people look at the internet? Me: How? Him: With their google-y eyes

Is Google male or female? Female, because it knows everything, and secretly tracks your activity.

A horse is watching MTV... As he is watching, a music video for "Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendrix comes on. The horse gals in love with the song. Then, he explores more of Jimi Hendrix's discography and soon enough he's a full on Jimi Hendrix fan. After some time of being a Hendrix fan, the horse is inspired to be a guitarist. He gets all the money he has and buys a low-end used Stratocaster. He begins to learn how to play, and quickly enough, he knows how to play every Jimi Hendrix song. He can …

Google+ is like the gym of social networking. We all join it, but nobody uses it.

I think my neighbor is stalking me through her computer, because I've seen her google my name. I'm certain I saw it on my telescope last night.

I just explained Google to my Granny. "Pick anything to search for" I told her. "What about a nice cream pie?" She asked. "Except that." I replied.

'Knock knock' 'Who's there' 'Okay Google' 'Okay Google, who?' 'Sorry I didn't catch that' 'OKAY GOOGLE WHO?' 'The World Health Organization is a specialized agency of the United Nations that is concerned with international public health. It was established on 7 April 1948, headquartered in Geneva, Switzerland. '

I just got a job offer! After seeing my handwriting, Google jumped at the opportunity to hire me for a position to write new and even harder to read reCAPTCHA images.

Can someone tell me what gay means? I've asked google but it won't give me a straight answer

Your mama's so fat.. Your mama's so fat, when she gets a colonoscopy they use the Google Maps car.

Why did the monkey win the reading contest? He had the best tail! (My 7yo daughter came up with this one at breakfast by herself, her first full joke! Didn''t see it in a Google search, figured I'd drop it here for fun. We're now discussing ways to improve it... maybe it would be a writing contest or storytelling contest?)

Google is 25 years old now In other news, Leonardo DiCaprio has announced that he'll be using Bing search now.

Apple/orchard jokes needed! I work at an apple orchard as an orchardist. I also tent to narrate the hay rides a lot. I've tried to Google apple jokes but could only find two decent ones. What is darth vaders favorite apple? Empire apples Why did the chicken cross the orchard? To get to the other cider Those are good but I'd love to use more. They also need to be family friendly.

Google's app management app is called "Google Play" and their payment app is called "Google pay" Their navigation app should be called "Google Way"