#food

It's my dream to take a stretch limo to a drive thru, pay at the first window & pick up my food at the second window without moving my car.

Every chef on Chopped's like "I was medically dead for 3 yrs & my wife married the guy who pushed me off that bridge. My specialty is bao."

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I've missed 3 mortgage payments.

My phone number is one digit off from a local restaurant's. When I'm in a bad mood, I'll take reservations.

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.

I am not a ride or die chick. I have questions. Where we going? Will there be food? Why do I have to die? Why didn't you like my last pic?..

[1st moon landing] Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound Neil: Ok *steps onto moon* Neil: *clears throat* I'm a vegan

A good diet is follow me around the grocery store and don't buy anything I get.

Can any of you read your Chinese food bill? Looks like they charged me for a chicken lo-mein, a python, Africa, and a diet Coke.

I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake

DATE: dessert? MY BRAIN: im full MY STOMACH: i want food DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER

Him: How much do you love me? Me: A bit more than pizza. Him: Me: But not as much as coffee.

Just ordered a pizza and jogged past my gym holding it over my head like the Olympic torch.

[kitchen] "Please pass the bee-nut butte-" *wife glares* "-the honey"

If it screams, it's not food yet

I'd eat more Mexican food if it didn't look like someone had already eaten it before me.

It's all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I'm a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

I never feel more racist than when trying to find my waiter at a Mexican restaurant.

forgive me Father for I have sinned, this is my fourth slice of pizza

My doctor had a plate of McDonalds food that was a year old to show people that it never rots. The burger was dry but the fries were decent.