The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.#Food#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
I always pretend I've never had the samples at Costco. "What's this? Bagel Bites? Combining bagel & pizza into one?? Now this I GOTTA TRY!"#Costco#Bagel And Pizza#Food0🔗 SharePermalink →
Me: *Rubbing Chin* Why am I always hungry 30 mins after I eat Chinese food? Chin: [pushing my hand away}I dunno man I just deliver the food.#Chin Why#Food0🔗 SharePermalink →
why does looking at animals covered in oil make me sad, but looking at animals covered in oil and deep-fried make me hungry?#Food0🔗 SharePermalink →
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I've been cheating on my diet. I'm not even sure how they'd know that#Food0🔗 SharePermalink →
*wearing an apron and oven mitts* This is an old family recipe *I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*#Food#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.#Food#Technology0🔗 SharePermalink →
If I were a superhero, I'd be Pizza Man. My one-liners would be cheesy, and I'd save you in 30 min or less, or your next criminal is free.#Food0🔗 SharePermalink →
There needs to be a Meat Likers Pizza for those of us afraid of commitment.#Meat Likers Pizza#Food#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
Sometimes I'll flush a few slices of pizza down the toilet just to let the Ninja Turtles know I miss them#Food#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
I hate it when I'm having the most delicious meal in the world and someone walks into the kitchen and tells me to get out of their house.#Food0🔗 SharePermalink →
If Captain America doesn't have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn't fighting for the America I want to live in.#Captain#America#Food0🔗 SharePermalink →
How to keep a girl: buy her pizza touch her butt buy her pizza touch her butt buy her pizza touch her butt buy her pizza touch her butt#Food0🔗 SharePermalink →
A good sign that you're not ready for children is if you cut your food with a credit card.#Food#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
[desert island diary - day 1] 4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait. 5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free#That Pizza#Food#Technology#Desert Island0🔗 SharePermalink →
if you eat four pieces of pizza without separating them, it counts as just one. #dieting #fitness.#Food#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
It's amazing how quickly reheated food in the microwave goes cold again when you think you're only going to be on the computer for a moment.#Food#Technology0🔗 SharePermalink →
My son doesn't like spicy food. To prevent him from eating his boogers, I pour drops of Tobasco in his nostrils while he sleeps. #winning#Food0🔗 SharePermalink →
Dating is good practice for parenting because you learn not to care when someone is crying in a restaurant.#Dating#Food#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden] "Now grow to be a restaurant"#Garden Now#Food#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
Since I'm home alone tonight, I'm carrying around the biggest kitchen knife I could find. You know, to stab any murderers who come for me.#Food0🔗 SharePermalink →
ME: There's no i in team but there is one in pizza WIFE: so you're not going to share ME: I am not going to share#Marriage#Food#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
[God making trees] God: "They're alive but not. Every now & then they drop food." Angel: "I don't--" God: "Also they breathe the opposite."#Angel#Food#Religion0🔗 SharePermalink →
Either Chewbacca is in the next stall or someone needs to start adding green leafy vegetables to their diet.#Food#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert. God: No problem. Moses: But since you can make anything- God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.#Food0🔗 SharePermalink →