#food

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it's me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

Either the dude in the bathroom was having a surprise birth, or he needs to eat a LOT less hay in his diet....

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

These food blogs start simple. 'How to cook rice. Boil. Serve' But over time... 'How to creme brulee baba ganoush with caramel'.

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

all pans are no-stick pans if you no-cook in them.

Why were those customers on Crazy Taxi' so pissed off all the time? SORRY IT TOOK 34 SECONDS TO GET TO PIZZA HUT MA'AM!

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

PERSON: Want a slice? ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread P: From your diet? M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure...from my diet

It's hard not to bring up the fact I'm vegan whenever people talk about food or a new restaurant or that their mom just died or

Let's simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call.

[restaurant] *motions for waiter* Waiter! Bill please! *Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests* Thanks Bill!

One day I hope to be rich enough where I don't feel compelled to refill my fountain soda before I leave a fast food establishment.

[at Applebees on Christmas] God: Your food good? Jesus: Ya, it- *a crowd of servers surrounds them* Jesus: You didn't... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

I lost sixty pounds in two seconds with diet and exercise and Photoshop!

Every time I consider being healthy, I remember pizza.

[spider's junk email folder] -TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$ -HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU -TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY

Hope I'm never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number.

A man can survive up to two weeks without water, around forty days without food, and about one hour without touching his junk.

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn't notice it wasn't me. I need a monkey.

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I'm the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

Overheard in a restaurant. Grandma: "Oh, I could really go for a Quickie right about now!" Grandpa: "It's pronounced a Quiche, dear!"

Dear Grocery store clerk, What part of me searching madly and paying in nickels & dimes suggests I can donate a dollar to the food bank?

I feel like the set of Breaking Bad would be the best place to cook meth without anyone suspecting it.