#food

Damn girl are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet because I'm not feeling it right now but I see you over there doing you and I respect that.

The problem with a well balanced diet is the amount of chicken wings I have to eat that equals the weight of a dozen beers.

Girlfriend: Im not the best cook, is that cool? Me: Yeah, I love shitty food.

Doc: You have gallstones Me: Ugh. Doc: You can control it with diet. Me: Great! Doc: No chocolate, cheese, fried foods... Me: Take it out.

I used to struggle to keep food on the table until I Googled "how to get your pet turtle Charles to hold still because he's a table now."

[orders pizza] Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce? Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

If two cannibals fight Does that make it a food fight?

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate Him: U started your diet, didn't u

Still not sure how to throw away a pizza box.

The ultimate comfort food: a blanket made out of grilled cheese sandwiches.

[At dinner] Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat? Me: Probably like 90% D: So it's 10% balls? Me: *spits out food*

If you are going to Taco Bell for a diet, you have a bigger problem than your weight.

apparently pharmacies think theyre grocery shops now. selling food product instead of focusing on exceptional pill service. Get real, punk !

Relationship status: I shout "PIZZA'S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn't think I'm eating two pizzas by myself.

When she said "I think we got way too much pizza." I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

what do u call a sleeping pizza a piZzza ha ha haha someone date me plss

My 1-year-old thought it was funny to put food in my mouth. It was cute with Skittles. Then she switched to dog food.

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.

[dad training] TRAINER: im hungry ME: ok lets ea- TRAINER: [stares] ME: i mean-hey hungry im dad

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight ME: Ok I'll consider it VET: Your dog should lose some weight ME: Hey bud, you're going on a diet!

Dude on tv just said, "Where there's fat, there's flavor." He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we're all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge....Like by poisoning their food.

Pizza Hut: Hello Me: I'd like a hot dog bites pizzas PH: Pick up or delivery? Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.