#food

Based on how he reacts, you'd think my dog's entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

I eat a lot of swordfish. I like to be ready in case there's a food fight.

After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?

I've wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

Pretty woman, the kind that don't eat meat Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees Ohoh what can I do? She's making me eat vegan food

Laughed hysterically and said "Oh yes, please do" after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

I told you to pick up a slow cooker... All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

I appreciate the transparency Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like "Carl dropped your pizza" & "5 second rule" are a bit much.

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless. With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.

On this new diet where I eat carbs and then more carbs and then the carbs cross each other out.

Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo". I shouldn't laugh right?

You laugh at the burrito in my purse, until you get hungry.

Sure, I'll cook dinner. How milky do you like your Captain Crunch?

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he's allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

*posts picture of the saddest meal of all time, a big plate of dry meat and weirdly burnt vegetables* it's so sad that some guys can't cook.

[after robots take over] *drones crash into my kitchen* ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me? *fridge starts laughing* BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

I'm so hungry I could eat something healthy.

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

I accidentally shot my girlfriend on a hunting trip because I mistook her for a deer in an orange vest drinking a Diet Coke.

Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won't divorce him and make him my responsibility again.

Boss: Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact? Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they'll know where to find me.

*writing resume* Strengths? I'm great at multitasking *explosion in kitchen* My popcorn! *car crashes through fence* I forgot I was driving!

"Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!" - Diet ads for Cannibals

This salad isn't going to toss itself. *winks* - Things you shouldn't say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table :(

"This is way too delicious. Let's ruin it." -People who put pineapple on pizza.