I'll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

Twitter should send notifications when you're about to get fired and divorced.

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

When my girlfriend sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesn't think I'm a vegan.