#food

I'd like the chicken-fried steak, please." Uh lemme get back to you *runs to kitchen* YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

There's no recipe in this world that raisins can't ruin.

"It meant nothing to me, babe. I swear!" When my girl catches me in the closet eating Devil's food cake with my bare hands.

[At Fancy Restaurant] Her: I'll have the oxtail topped with quail egg. Him: Gimme a steak. Her: *glares Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

ME (pulling wishbone): I won WIFE: what'd u wish for? M: uh world peace W: Nice *human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what's up?

*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure

I've dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

[restaurant] ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

A social gathering without food is called a "Don't."

Forgetting what you went into the kitchen to get is one thing but, it's darn scary when you can't remember why you went into the bathroom!

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

You really only have 2 options: 1. You can be miserable bc you're fat 2. You can be miserable bc you're hungry

They tried it standing up, sitting down and bent over the kitchen table but it was no good - they just couldn't get a decent wi-fi signal.

Oh you're a foodie? You like food? Wow you are very unique. Personally I'm a foodie but I'm also a breathie. Love to breathe.

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I've ever had. Also rabies.

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie

When I want to cheat on my diet I buy food at Traitor Joe's.

If eye-rolling burned calories, women would never have to diet.

- What do we want? - A cure for ADD! - When do we want it? - Ducks. I liked a movie. I'm hungry.

The body burns a lot of calories digesting food. That's why I eat instead of exercising.

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant* Me to waiter: "Actually, do you think I could have a fork?"

hello 911 yes i touched wet food while doing the dishes i'd like to surgically remove my hand

restaurant Waiter: Your coffee Me: Could I have a little spoon please? Waiter: Certainly *delicately embraces me from behind* Me: lovely

But I love food, why would it want to poison me? :(

[ordering pizza alone] Yeah I'd like a large pepperoni and *changes voice* A medium sausage *changes voice again* Another large pepperoni