#food

If you want to play frisbee Buy a frozen pizza instead of a frisbee And when you get hungry from playing frisbee Eat your frisbee

You're a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I'm home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter. Let's pray for her.

*takes bite of food and immediately spits it out in disgust* What the?! Oh, I accidentally bought Hamburger Hinderer

A conversation between 2 vegans: "I'm a vegan." "I'm a vegan too." "Oh." "So...you're a vegan?" "Yes, I am a vegan." "Me too."

Dance like no one's watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

if i were a white vegan satanist i would constantly say stuff like "kale satan" and "i love the dark gourd" and nobody would stop me

How boring my life has become! The only time I hear myself say, "I'm coming" is when I'm trying to tell my dog I'm getting his food ready!

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.

If Donald Trump becomes president all the immigrants nd their cultures gunna leave nd white people gunna be stuck with their nasty ass food

When most people say, "I'm on a diet," what they mean is, "I eat exactly as much as I normally do, but now I feel guilty about it."

An egg with 28 followers says I'm not funny. So if you need me, I'll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

[restaurant] WAITER: [brings bill] ME: I got this DATE: Thanks ME: [gets out piggy bank] [hits it w/ hammer] [it is filled w/ bees] ME: RUN

Sitting across from a table of cops at a restaurant and convinced im going to get arrested for how gross I look eating this chicken wrap

*Eats a Lean Cuisine *20 minutes go by. *Devours entire Pizza Hut store...including employees.

I think I CAN wander the restaurant with my robe open and eat off of your plate, sir. This is Olive Garden. When you're here, you're family.

CASHIER: $57.85 ME: do u accept food stamps C: of course M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

2,000 calories of junk food costs just $3.52 a day. 2,000 calories of dense nutritional foods costs $36.32 a day. No wonder people are fat.

I always bring in a dozen donuts to work the first day after the New Year, just for my coworkers on a diet.

"That's a wrap, everybody." ~movie director identifying delicious food

The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I'll become beautiful.

During lunch I asked my food server which salad she preferred. She said, "Either one! They're both amazeballs!" I got a hamburger.

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

Fail-proof diet: cut sugar, fats, pasta, alcohol, bread and wrists.