#food

The best thing to do on New Years Eve is set the microwave timer with the countdown so the first thing that happens that year is Pizza Rolls

A slang word for player is playa. Playa means beach. Beach sounds like bitch. Bitch ends like sandwich. Now I'm hungry and confused.

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped. 911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma'am? Me: No. Pizza.

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

This stupid farmers market doesn't have any locally grown pizza.

directions on frozen food need to be more confident. They're like, '11 minutes at 450... but all ovens are different... I'm so stupid.'

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can't help but slice everything as if I'm in an infomercial.

"I'm not a violent person but people can change", I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

My 13 year old daughter just lit a cigarette at the kitchen table. I've never been more furious! And in front of her kids too!

Germ 1-OMG he dropped his pizza! Germ 2-PIIZZZAAAA!!! Let's get it! Germ Capt.-Stand back! He still has one more second to pick it up.

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

Leading causes of cancer: 1. Smoking 2. Aging 3. Radiation 4. Diet 5. WebMD

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, 'cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.

Someone tweets "pizza," I want pizza. Someone tweets "donut," I want a donut. Someone tweets "kale," I want pizza and a donut.

Waiter: Did we decide? Date: Yes, I'd like the Sirloin. Medium rare. Me: And I'd like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.

The paleo diet is to eat only foods cavemen would have eaten. So, fruity pebbles, cocoa pebbles, the oatmeal with little dinosaur eggs, etc.

Did you know that if you drive past the first drive thru window your food is free?

I'm cooking some SpaghettiOs in nothing but my underwear. All of a sudden, Chef Ramsay bursts into my kitchen and beats the shit out of me.

Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It's almost like they know I'm the target demographic.

[Sees restaurant is packed] *Pays hostess $20 to read note* "Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street" *Hipsters clear*

Circle? Donut! Triangle? Pizza! Cylinder? Tater tot! - me teaching our 2yr old shapes

On the phone to the chinese food place & my cat's all chatty... I cover the receiver and hiss "Shhh, you want them to hear you?"

Shout-out to cows. Without them we wouldn't have burgers, pizza, chocolate, ice-cream and many other delicious food.

*[At the dinner table]* "No grandma, those aren't knitting needles. We're having Chinese food"