#turkey

So my doctor told me I need to stop eating so much... But I don't think I can just quit eating cold turkey.

Please notify if repost. (first) A woman walks into a tattoo parlor, asking the man in charge to put a picture of a turkey saying ""Happy Thanksgiving!"" on one thigh and a picture of Santa saying ""Merry Christmas!"" on the other. The man looked confused by her odd request, so he asked her why. She calmly looked at him and replied without even a stutter. ""My husband always complains that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving.""

Two Hunters A classic... Two hunters are out shooting turkey. One of them takes a leak, and gets bitten by a big black rattlesnake. The other hunter shoots the snake, but is too late: his friend got deeply bit on his wiener. So, he calls 911 and proceeds to explain the situation: ""my friend got bit by a rattlesnake, blablabla, what should I do?"" - Relax, sir. We're sending a helicopter right away. In the meantime, we need you to suck on the bite so as to take the venom out. It's the only way t…

I shot my first turkey today! But I scared the hell out of everyone in the meat section.

A close call. A man sits down in his chair then rips a huge fart. His wife says ""one of these days you're going to shit your guts out"". It becomes a habit that every time he passes gas she says ""one day you will shit you're guts out"" One day on Thanksgiving morning she decides she's had enough. She takes all the guts from the Turkey and sneeks them under the covers while her husband sleeps,then goes back to the kitchen to wait. After an hour or so she hears her husband scream then silence. H…

Flatulence problem... **Okay, so I usually post my own jokes, but I thought i'd switch it up with one of my faves that's not written by me:** There was an old married couple that had lived happily together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning he told…

After eating Thanksgiving at my house, my friends are always asking me how I prepare the turkey... ...easy, I tell the bird he is going to die.

The Parrot Another Funny Chain Letter.. * The Parrot A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to ""clean up"" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot…

A turkey was about to cross the road... when a chicken appeared and said ""dont do that that, you will never hear the end of it""

I really like long story jokes, that have crap punchlines at the end. anybody got any others? There was once a kid called Adrian. Now, Adrian lead quite a sheltered life - he lived with his family on an onion farm, and had never ventured outside of his county. But, Adrian managed to get a place at a prestigious university. He felt it would be ludicrous to turn down his place - despite the fact he knew for sure he would quickly get homesick. Sure enough, after a couple of days at university he wa…

A Polar Bear Walks Into A Restaurant... and says to the waiter, ""I'll have a turkey sandwich and a large....coke"". The waiter replies, ""What's with the long pause?"" ""I don't know,"" says the polar bear, ""I've always had them. ---- Pause=Paws. No one thinks I'm funny.

I like my Thanksgiving turkey like I like my own ass On the dining room table, with my family gathered round, and with my grandmum's fists in it pulling out the stuffing.

Anyone hear what Russia is eating for Christmas? Turkey... Too soon?

What's the difference between a Russian ambassador and a chicken? The Russian ambassador is Turkey

If Russia tried to take Turkey from behind... ... do you think Greece would help ?

Don't know why some countries have food problems If you're Hungary you could pour Greece over Turkey and fry it in Japan.

What key won't let you through any doors? A turkey.

I like my Xmas turkey like I like my ass With my grandmum's fists in it, pulling out the stuffing.

A woman became tired of her husband farting in the bed... she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, l…

I've decided to become a raw carnivore... I guess you can say I'm going cold turkey

What did the mother turkey say to her naughty son Tom? If your dad knew how you were acting he'd roll over in his gravy?

I didn't think housework is a full-time job, so for Thanksgiving my wife served me a raw turkey. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Don't fart in the bed... This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was co…

Somebody stole my Thanksgiving turkey... I suspect fowl play (IT'S THANKSGIVING TOMORROW! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!)

I'll have a foot long Italian with turkey and cheddar cheese. Whoops, wrong sub