#turkey

After Thanksgiving a woman continually finds her husband rummaging through the fridge... ... ravenously devouring leftovers from their Thanksgiving feast. It gets to the point where she begins to get worried and asks, ""Honey can you stop eating like that? You aren't even heating your food!"" To which the husband replies, ""Everyone knows it is futile to try and quit cold turkey!""

Rules of Corporate Management - Part 1 I have spent a lot of years working in corporations small, large and massive. I have climbed the corporate ladder and have gathered three rules that are invariable true. Follow these rules and you will survive. They come in the form of fables. Rule 1 One day, a turkey is walking down the road. He looks up, and sees a raven sitting on the upper branches of a tree. He looks at the raven, and says, ""Hey Raven... It must be nice to be all the way up there. I w…

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to turkey!

HOW TO MAKE TURKEY Step 1: Go buy a turkey Step 2: Take a drink of whisky Step 3: Put turkey in the oven Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whisky Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens. Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink Step 7: Turn oven the on Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky Step 9: Turk the bastey Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours Step 14: Take the oven out of the tur…

Yo momma so fat when she had turkey at thanksgiving She ate the whole damn country

Paddy English-man, Paddy Irish-man and Paddy Scottish-man are all having lunch on a very high girder... Paddy English-Man opens his Sandwich and says: ""Egg and onion again? I told my wife I hate egg and onion. If she makes me these one more time I'm going to jump off this girder to my death."" Paddy Scottish-man opens his Sandwich and says: ""Cheese and Tomato again? If this happens again I'm going to jump too"" Paddy Irish-man opens his sandwich also and says ""Turkey and Ham? one more time an…

A lady is shopping for a big family dinner She goes to the market to get a turkey to roast, but she can't find one that is large enough to feed her entire family. She finds an employee and asks ""Excuse me sir, do these turkeys get any bigger?"" ""No ma'am, I'm sorry... they're dead.""

What did the green onion say to the Thanksgiving dinner? ""I ain't no chive, Turkey.""

So a turkey and a ham are walking into a cancer survivors meeting... The ham looks over at the turkey and says: ""What are you doing here? You aren't cured. ""

I went to my favorite Indian restaurant today. Got the footlong turkey on wheat.

a man is sitting in a bar in a bar when another man comes up and kicks him in the head the attacker then says ""that was a round-house kick, from Thailand!"" and walks away. the next night the same man is sitting at the bar when the same attacker runs up to him and punches him in the jaw. ""That was an upper-cut, from Turkey!"" and then abruptly walks away again. on the third night, the man is sitting in the same bar when he is attacked, again, out of no where by the same guy, and again after ki…

An elderly couple go to the doctor... ...and the doctor says ""now that you two are getting older your brains aren't at good as they used to be and your memory will likely suffer. I would suggest that you start writing things down in order to remember them."" Later when the couple was home they were watching TV when the wife stood up and said "" i'm going into the kitchen, do you want anything?"" The husband then replied ""Yea i'll have a turkey sandwich."" The wife said ""okay"" then when she s…

I shared a shuttle ride today with a linguist heading to Turkey to study Tuva throat singers. (No joke!) I was reminded of this joke: Two linguists were walking down the street. Which one was the expert in contextually-indicated deixis and anaphoric reference resolution strategies? The other one.

Hippo Bacon I asked my mom once, ""You know how they have turkey bacon? Can you make bacon out of any animal?"" She said ""No, they just flavor the turkey and make it taste like bacon."" I replied, ""Well what about a hippo, they seem similar to a pig, couldn't they make hippo bacon?"" My mom was becoming obviously annoyed and said ""No that is not how it works."" I then said, ""It is not like asking if a monkey could produce bacon, that would just be bananas.""

Turkey Dinner Surprise A husband and his wife had been married for over fifty years. They were desperately in love with each other. Neither one had any complaints about the other, except for one. Each morning, the husband would roll over and fart loudly as he woke up. The wife would exclaim, ""One of these days you're going to shit your guts out!"" Her husband would just laugh. One morning, the wife woke early to make a big turkey dinner. The husband was still asleep in bed. As she removed the t…

I've had Thanksgiving dinner four times and I'm kind of getting addicted. I'm quitting this cold turkey.

I always heat up my Thanksgiving leftovers. I quit cold turkey a long time ago.

A mother sends her son to the store for a turkey A mother sends her son to the store with $60 for a turkey for Thanksgiving. He comes back with a turkey and hands her back $60, so she asks him, ""Where did you get that turkey, son?"" He says, ""I won it, Momma. They said the person with the biggest pecker gets a turkey."" ""So you took your pecker out and showed it, all in front of those people?"" ""No, just enough to win.""

JOKE OF THE DAY The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, ""You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."" ""F…

Turkey Joke A woman stops into her local grocery store to purchase a turkey for her upcoming Thanksgiving dinner. She browses the selection of turkey, but does not see one that will feed the amount of guests she invited for Thanksgiving. She walks over to the deli and asks to speak with the butcher. The butcher steps out, wiping his hands on his apron, and asks ""How may I help you today?"" The woman replies, ""I'm having a large gathering on Thanksgiving and I need to know if these turkeys get …

Real BullShit!! A turkey was chatting with a bull ""I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,"" sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."" ""Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?"" replied the bull. ""They're packed with nutrients."" The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was pro…

Thanksgiving dinner. So a housewife is preparing thanksgiving dinner when her husband comes in, and she asks, ""are you hungry, dear?"" And the turkey answers, ""no, I'm stuffed.""

Latex gloves A happy couple are laying in bed when the husband farts, the wife says to him ""Harry, you fart every morning in bed. One day you're going to fart your guts out!"" Harry just grunted and ignored her. 4 months later... It's the morning after thanksgiving and the wife Fiona is looking in the fridge when she notices the insides of the turkey in plastic wrap. She knows what she had to do. She goes upstairs and while Harry is sleeping she slips the insides into his boxers. She goes back …

A Parrot with an attitude A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ""clean up"" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the p…

Our Xmas dinner also happens to be my New Year's resolution Bone-less turkey