#turkey

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels......Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer! March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said ""2-4 years!"" April - Trapped on escalator for hours ? power went out!!! May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake…

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said ""2 to 4 years"". Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button. When asked what the capital of California was; answered ""C"". Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms…

While vacationing in Turkey a second time, I couldn't keep the Arabic names straight, but I saw many familiar fezzes.

Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded her younger birds. ""You turkeys are always into mischief,"" she gobbled. ""If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy.""

A turkey was chatting with a bull. ""I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree,"" sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."" ""Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?"" replied the bull. ""They're packed with nutrients."" The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at…

You might be a redneck if .... You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table. Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings. You've ever re-used a paper plate. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table. Your turkey platter is an old hub cap. Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them. Your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop. Your only condiment on the dining room table …

Three blondes died and are at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde ""What is Easter?"" The blonde replies, ""oh, thats easy. It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together and eats turkey."" ""Wrong"" says St. Peter. He turns to the second blonde and asks her the same question. She replies: ""Easter is the holiday when we put up a tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth o…

Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving? They couldn't get the moose in the oven!

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one Caller: Hi is this the police? Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance? Caller: Well I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1? A: For spare parts.

What did the monster say to the Thanksgiving turkey? ""Pleased to eat you!""

Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving ? A: Turkey.

What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter? ""Quack! Quack! Quack!""

Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted a kitten for Christmas. Her mother couldn't buy a kitten and parcel it up for Christmas Day so she bought it a week before Christmas and gave it to the little girl. 'You're getting your Christmas present a week early this year' her mother explained as she handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten. 'Is that what you want?' The little girl said 'It's wonderful mother...just what I wanted. There's just one thing wrong!' 'What's that?' her mot…

What bird has wings but cannot fly ? Roast turkey !

What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ? Grave-y !

Did you hear about the stupid turkey? It was looking forward to Christmas!

Who is never hungry at Christmas ? The turkey - he's always stuffed !

Mum Can I have a dog for Christmas ? No you can have turkey like everyone else !

What's brown and white and flies all over? Thanksgiving turkey when you carve it with a chain saw!

Chicken to turkey: ""Only Thanksgiving and Christmas??? You're lucky with us it's any Sunday.""

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: To prove he wasn't chicken.

Two Sandwiches in a Deli One day two sandwiches are sitting in a deli. One sandwich - a veggie sandwich - asks the other "Hey man, if you could be any kind of sandwich, what would you be?" The other sandwich - a turkey sandwich - isn't in the mood. He retorts "I'm tired man. I don't feel like having a deep conversation right now." But the veggie sandwich persists. "I'm sorry to bug you. It's just that I'm doing this study for a class. I need to know your response in order to fully underst…

My Go To when all else fails. Has never flopped. A farmer and his wife have been married many years. The farmer has a talent for farting very loudly. Everytime he does so his wife says "one of these days your gonna fart your guts out." This goes on for years until after one Thanksgiving diner the wife decides to play a trick on her husband. She takes the insides she had cleaned out of the turkey, prior to cooking it, and sneaks upstairs while he is asleep from the big meal. She puts them i…

A hungry man stops at a small restaurant along the road... to buy something to eat. Behind the bar is a very attractive young girl smiling at him. Next to her is a board that reads: * Tuna Sandwich $8 * Beef Sandwich $9 * Turkey Sandwich $8.5 * Handjob $5 After having read the board, the man asks the beautiful girl "Hey gorgeous are you the one giving handjobs for 5 dollars?" to what the girls replies "Yes sir" with a big smile. The man then tells her "Alright then go wash your hands and make…