#technology

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, "That's where it belongs."

911 what's the emergency "Please help, I made too much spaghetti" Relax sir, we've all been th*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

I'm not scared I'll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I'm scared someone will record it on their phone and I'll end up on a GIF.

How come they can send a lifeless, unfeeling robot to Mars, but that lifeless, unfeeling robot can't be @AnnCoulter?

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case's where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I'm also broke. Genius!

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn't know some person's every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I'm in there

Appreciate this tweet. Appreciate it because I tweeted it stealthily on the plane AFTER they told me to turn my phone off twice.

[catches your phone before it hits the ground] Whew, that was close! [smashes your phone against the wall] See, that could have happened.

Job interview with the NSA Applicant: Would you like references? NSA: We have everything we need. App: You guys! NSA: I know, right!

Girlfriend gone and no Internet. Just jerked off to Halo menu screen music.

Alien: we are here to enslave you Me: *not looking up from phone* huh? Alien: I SAID.. Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I'll do it

"No, you hang up" No, you hang up. "No, you hang up" No, you hang up. "No you hang up" *slams phone* Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

You lost your phone and it is on silent? Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

okay ready? What if ancient egyptians put cats on everything because they totally saw the future and they knew what the internet was about

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

The loop of Internet sites we repetitively check up on while procrastinating is worse than crack.

[desert island diary - day 1] 4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait. 5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

Well well well, if it isn't the guy who hired me looking over my shoulder, watching me stare at my phone... Brb.

I'm like Jason Bourne, only I'm not looking for exits in each room.. I'm looking for outlets & phone chargers.

"..,you will die in seven days" *creepy voice on the phone* Me; "new phone, who dis?"

Since the invention of the smart phone, how many times have you clicked a desktop icon once and waited for a response. Ok, just me?

It's amazing how quickly reheated food in the microwave goes cold again when you think you're only going to be on the computer for a moment.

It's not a real twitter addiction until you look up from your phone and you've missed your exit by 37 states.