#technology

No thanks farting robot on the wall I'll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

*pulls up to window* Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I'll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

OH: If you ever want to call a family meeting, just turn off the WiFi router and wait in the room where it's located.

ME: Sorry I'm late, I had computer problems. BOSS: Hard drive? ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

[Computer has become self-aware] Scientist 1: Shit, just like in Terminator Computer: I HAVE WRITTEN SOME POETRY Scientist 2: No, worse

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

My phone number is one digit off from a local restaurant's. When I'm in a bad mood, I'll take reservations.

Thanks to twitter the approval of family and friends has taken a backseat to the approval of strangers on the Internet.

It's almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex "I have to tell you something" then shut my phone off.

[911 call] IM GETTING EATEN- *pause* Ok one sec. *holds phone away from mouth* Are you an alligator or a crocodile? *pause* Cool. ITS A CRO-

Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.

*holding banana up to my ear as if it's a phone* haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i'm n-*banana rings* oh crap

My FitBit app says I sleep walked 20 steps last night, glad I was asleep during all that damn exercise.

I can't believe how different life was before *googles* Al Gore invented the Internet

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn't have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking...presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

Niece: I like math M: 5 X 1? N: 5 M: *takes out phone* right N:You're using your phone? M: I got a text N: I didnt hear a sound *runs away*

Can any of you read your Chinese food bill? Looks like they charged me for a chicken lo-mein, a python, Africa, and a diet Coke.

For Halloween I'm just gonna talk shit to complete strangers and go as the internet.

It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard. No? Ok, I'll show myself out.

[Breakup] Her: We're just different Him: How? Her: Well, you want to hike & camp Him: And? Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet

The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don't check their phone for 3+ hours.

"If she never used dial-up Internet she's too young for you bro"

Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.

I'd rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again