#santa-claus

Perfect Man, Perfect Woman, and Santa Claus are in a car. The car goes out of control and crashes into the side of a building, only one survives, who is it? The Perfect woman survived because the perfect man and Santa Claus aren't real. Still, just goes to show that even the perfect woman can't drive.

Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children? Because he only comes once a year and it is always down the chimney.

I remember when I discovered Santa Claus was just my dad I still don't know how he snuck out every year to deliver presents all over the world.

Why Don't Santa Claus and Misses Claus have children? Because Santa only comes once a year and when he does its down the chimney.

Santa is stressed... Many years ago on Christmas Eve, Santa Claus is preparing for his big day tomorrow but nothing is goin well. Half the reindeer are sick, the elves are behind on their work and Mrs Claus' mother-in-law just arrived for the week. But then an angel appeared at Santa's door with a Christmas tree just for him. Santa answered the door to find the angel in front of him. Smiling the angel said to Santa ""I found this tree to brighten up your Christmas, now where would you like me to…

What would Santa Claus be called if he had no hands? Canta Plaus. Source: https://youtu.be/44aiB0vB36Y

Santa claus may only come once a year... But when he does he does it, on Dasher! On Dancer! On Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen!

Santa Claus said that he would give me a present this year... ...But he made out with my mom instead!

9-1-1 Parody of ""Jingle Bells"" Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis Over the hills we go, crashing into trees! The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead, I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh! 9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead! Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh! Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll, tried to save his life, But G.I. Joe from Mexico stabbed him with a knife!

Little Johnny A teacher in Sunday school once asked Little Johnny, ""Johnny, do you believe in the Devil?"" ""No,"" said Little Johnny knowledgeably. ""It's just like with Santa Claus. I know it's really my dad.""

What did Santa Claus say when Mrs. Claus asked him for the weather? It's rain, dear!

The main reason Santa Claus is so jolly is because... he knows where all the bad girls live. :3

What's the difference between Santa Claus and a bassist? Santa Claus has gifts

What's the pedophiles favorite holiday? Christmas. Because you can dress up like Santa Claus, and get free lap dances for a whole week.

{Long} Santa's Past A white man enters a hotel asking for a room for the night. The person at the front desk says, ""We have one room left but it's haunted."" ""I don't believe in ghosts."" The white man replies and goes up to the room. He unlocks the door enters and hears, ""I'm the ghost of Mable fable cut off your balls and lay em on the table."" The white man quickly runs out the room and leaves. A black man enters the same hotel a bit later and approaches the front desk. ""I'd like a room f…

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods? Santa stops after three HOs.

My husband is like Santa Claus He's old, fat, and comes once in a year.

Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids? Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down a chimney.

What's the difference between a Jew and Santa Claus? Santa Claus goes *down* the chimney.

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He comes once a year! :-)

Why does Santa Claus have such a large sack? He only comes once a year.

What do Bernie Sanders and Santa Claus have in common? (Dark) They both have difficulties regarding chimneys!

Dirty English We say: ""Santa Claus is coming to town on a sleigh."" Which means that his elves say: Santa Claus is going to town on a sleigh."" P.S: I thought of this myself, but if you have a better execution of the joke, feel free to share.

Russian jokes Why Russians take Americans to space flights? It is necessary that at the time of landing at least someone would be sober. *** In Soviet times, Ded Moroz* fetched the bad behaved children list to Stalin. * Russian Santa Claus *** At the initiative of Russian parents in children's economic game Monopoly added bribe.* * Bribe is a common way to solve problems in Russia. *** Grandson makes soundproofing. Nearby stands his grandfather. Grandson: I wonder if 2 inches of insulation en…

What did Santa Claus say to his wife after he watched the weather report? It's going to rain dear. ^Yeah ^I'm ^sorry ^its ^late ^guys.