#parents

Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends? Me: your mother, why? W: Stop acting like you're 12. M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

I'm not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

I can tell everything I need to know about a person by how they cut their sandwich. Diagonal = normal Straight = serial killer No cut = dad

-Where was I conceived, dad? Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas. -Rly? Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

[Enters baby room late at night] *flicks switch* [baby's got a raccoon in a headlock] "What the-" DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

If my dad were alive today he would say, "Mark stop telling people I'm dead"

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week...because there's just some things they should learn from their dad.

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under, until my phone got stuck under my bed.

I still call my dad "Master" out in public so that people stare and feel bad for me.

If you encounter another Dad in the wild wearing a #1 Dad shirt, you must fight to the death. Disneyland has never been so fun

Stranger:So,you're a parent? Me: Yes,proud dad of a 5yo w/ special needs S:cool, I'm sort of a parent too, 2 dogs and a cat Me:.... Nope

Me: "Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor." 3yo: "You're welcome Mom, look at this!"*scatters more on floor I deserve that.

Son? "Yes dad?" If they ever put me on my death bed... I want you to... "Yes?" Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf

Freddie Mercury: I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I'M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

"Hey mom can Kyle come over?" mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people's- [From outside] LOOFAS!

Do you have to go to the bathroom? No You sure? Yes How about now? No Now? No [movie begins] Daddy? FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

Dad: "So what are you going to do after you graduate?" Me: "well, mom said we'll probably go out somewhere to eat"

[gun goes off] [every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race] ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If "mom" is even your real name... [Neighbor to mom] hi Susan! *kid faints*

[A Dad about to give the birds & the bees talk] "Son, when-" *Watches son try to poke a Capri Sun for 35 minutes* "Know what, we're good"

Father's Day is the day my wife gets on all fours and lets me do ANYTHING I want to her. I usually lay back and use her as an ottoman.

Taught the 5yo to say "totes magotes" to annoy my husband who can't figure out why the kid keeps yelling, "COACH MY GOATS, DAD!" Nailed it.

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

(Ok don't let her know ur Jesus) Girl: Meet my dad *they shake hands* *Dad stands up from wheelchair* Dad: It's a miracle! Jesus: *facepalm*

11yo: Daddy, why can't we get a dog? Me: I like our house the way it is. 11: What, small? Me: Go to your drawer.