#parents

You're not really a parent until you swat blindly into the backseat, hoping to connect with a kid.

My daughter: Do you want a kiss daddy? Me: Of course. My daughter: Does it make you sad that no other girls want to kiss you? Me: Thanks.

Me: If you don't like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom. 4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar... frozen. OK IT WAS ICE CREAM! FitFam?

Can't figure out if my dad is defusing a bomb or trying to answer his cell phone. It's tense! "The green one dad, not the Red one!"

Can't afford Sea World, so I took my kid to a fish market. Me: 'Shhh, they're asleep' 'Mom, they're breaded' Me: 'That's their blankie'

Ladies, don't date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.

gf: Daddy me: don't call me that it's creepy gf: Sorry Baby me: that's better

My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says"Daddy, you did it!" If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she'll flip out.

My dad told me they once had to cancel a football season because John Madden ate all of the footballs.

Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad

Jus made the jerk off motion at a baby because his mom is using coupons.

"Does your dad play any sports?" "No, my dad hates sports" *dad walks in* "Hey there, Sport"

KID: Why's the sky blue DAD: It's sad MOM: Light refraction DAD: ... MOM: ... DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction

Dad: Let's talk, we never talk. Me: Okay. I kinda wanna tell you something... Dad: You can tell me anything. Me: I'm Batman. Dad: Get out.

Wanna feel old? Stacy's mom has had it going on for over 81 years.

Daughter (5): "Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline" Me: "Well you're short and can't spell chrysanthemum"

It's my mom's personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

Abraham: look here son, i got windows 98! Isaac: but dad, we don't have enough memory? Abraham:Have faith, God will provide the RAM.

My mother has now been sending me a Valentine's card for 28 years. She's persistent but I'm not interested.

Finding Nemo (2003) A father is criticized for being overprotective after his wife & kids are murdered & his only surviving son is kidnapped

[Target intercom] "Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We've told u for weeks this isn't a daycare."

Mom: Take out the trash *I take the trash on a lovely date* Mom: Not what I meant *I assassinate the trash in an ally* Mom: Still wrong

MTVs Teen Mom has been cancelled. At least one person on that network knows when to pull out.

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, "Which one's yours?" I replied, "None of them... yet."