#parents

Daughter: why does that guy with the whistle keep interrupting the football game? Me: because mommy isn't there to do it.

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that's why we're getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

Why do hot dogs come in packs of 8 but my dad left us when I was 6?

My step-dad's pretty cool. Not as cool as my fence-dad, though. Roof-dad is okay. What is a father?

When I was a kid. I used to come home drunk & beat my Dad.

Freaky Friday 2: The mom and daughter switch bodies again The mom doesn't go back She keeps stealing children's bodies She lives forever

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you? Me: Marriage is complicated. 4: Is it because you're stupid?

At 14 I asked my dad about a tattoo. He said ok as long as I got it someplace that doesn't matter. So I got it in Detroit.

Dad to kid: "Connor, eat your food!" "Eat your food!" "Eat your food!" "Eat your food!" Me: *turns around, eats all of kid's food*

Mom: Want to come over for dinner? Me: No thanks, already ate Mom: What did you have? Me: Peanut butter Mom: With? Me: Spoon

"Always give your food a rinse before you eat it," my dad always used to say. Lovely man. Made terrible sandwiches.

If Facebook Was Real me: cool shirt Brian Brian: thanks [hours later, a knock at my door] me: um yes? Brian's Mom: I also like that shirt

I know I'll be a good father. I've had my iPhone for over 6 months now and I've only dropped it 182 times so far.

It's like Maury doesn't even care who the real father of my kitten is.

dad, why does my cake say "we dont want a talking cake" "its a long story son"

"Son, hey son" Yeah dad? "Know why we named you Adopted?" *Sighs* Because I'm adop- "BECAUSE YOU'RE ADOPTED" Good one dad "I'm not your dad"

ME: im nervous GIRLFRIEND: dont be M: what are some of his interests GF: he likes football [later] GF'S DAD: nice to meet u M: *tackles him*

My haunted house would be one where guys jump out w your tax forms improperly filled out & others handing you phones with your mom on hold.

That's disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don't wipe boogers on Mommy's pillow! Wipe it on Daddy's

Enhanced interrogation idea: If waterboarding isn't working, try having my mother brush their hair.

Sometimes I open my mouth and a dad joke falls out and we both just need to walk away from that and remember better times ok

SANTA: I don't need a surveillance guy. I see all! ELF ON SHELF: Seen these? [shows pics of Mommy kissing Santa Claus] S: When can u start

My daughter is playing "you can't find me, Mommy"... I'm playing "I'm not trying, Suckaaaa".

Yes, I do have a stalker. They call me every day, will occasionally buy me underwear, and know more about me than I do. I call her "Mom."

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do? [tree hiding in broom closet tenses up] DAD: Nonsense. [tree sighs in relief]