#parents

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can't sit through my daughter's violin recital without a desire to die.

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

"Daddy?" "Yes?" "What are you doing?" "Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter."

Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy. Let your child play the tuba. Tuba players never get laid.

When I was young, my dad told me chocolate milk came from brown cows. I really envied little black breastfed babies after that.

Puts an "I love Daddy" shirt on my kids until they're old enough to read.

"Hey pregnant, I'm dad" .... .... .... ..... "Oh god wait."

MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea

7 y/o daughter: Dad, do trees poop? Me: Of course! 7 y/o: Really? Me: Why do you think they call them "Number 2" pencils?

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i'm marrying your dad

I'll never be as horrified as the kid who suddenly realizes they've been following the wrong "mom butt" at the grocery store.

Mother in law found me... On the twitter This will be converted into a pineapple upside down cake blog for the next 72 hours. I'm so sorry

I don't play mario kart with my brother anymore. Because we are both in our 20's & my mom is not there to split us up when we fight.

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

it's so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

I never knew the word "mom" could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil. I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

"I'm turning into my dad" -worst Animorphs ever

Subway sandwich artists seem like they'd rather kill their mother with an AIDS hammer than give you extra toppings.

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I'm like 'Well, your Dad's an alcoholic. Scram!'

I remember Pandora back when it was called your dad trying to find a song he liked on a road trip.

My mom when I was a kid: "Never talk to strangers." "Never get in their cars." Me to my future kids: "Here's how to order an Uber."

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle? BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I'm just a regular eagle actually

If you didn't wanna hear "Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it," you shouldn't have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!