#parents

"Someone's been sleeping in my bed!" said mommy bear. "Who hasn't" muttered daddy bear. "What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!"

[meeting GF's mom] Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I'm overselling this, aren't I?

Me: I found a job! Mom: That's great! What is it? Me: debt collection! Mom:.... Me..... Mom:... Me: I think you know why I'm calling.

ZOMBIE MOM: Brains for dinner! TEEN ZOMBIE: Again?!? [slamming bedroom door] I wish I was alive!!

"Daddy, there's a mime under the bed!" That's ridiculous, why would you think that? "Listen!" *complete silence* OH DEAR GOD RUN

Thinking about becoming an unemployed mom so I can make up to $64/hr online.

Tip from my mom: Always wear your bathrobe when at home. Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you're "just about to hop in the shower".

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and- *chemistry set explodes* Mom: what was that?! God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

"Daddy, are we poor?" Compared to the vast majority of humans on earth? No. "Compared to my friends?" Oh yes, sweety. As the very dirt.

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery. Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died Dr: yep

"How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?" "How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?"

Facebook made billions by saying "Hey, remember that kid you haven't seen since the third grade? He's a parent who hates Obama now."

I spent an hour explaining how WiFi works to my dad and my dog. The dog gets it.

If you call & I don't answer, I'm not dead, I'm napping. - Things I have to say to my mom

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I've lost weight... So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

boys need to work on keeping their Instagram up to date with good pics. I can't show my mom some pic of a fish you caught 120 weeks ago

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

Girl: do you have a condom? Me: c'mon what's the worst that could happen *hears a knock on the door 4: daddy I think I started a fire

4yo: You're a good dad. Me: Thanks. 4yo: You'd be better if you said yes more. Me: Okay. 4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.

*At the ouija board* Me: Err... mom? Can't we just... Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish! Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

The first rule of dad club is shut the goddamn door on your way in, we're not trying to heat the whole outdoors here.

10: Mom what's a metaphor? Me: My life is a train wreck. 10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

- We buried my mother-in-law yesterday. - Sorry to hear that. When did she die? - My guess would be sometime this morning.

Twitter's "suggestions for you" should include the basics, too, like "get more sleep" and "have you responded to that email from your mom?"