#kids

I call McDonald's to make a reservation for Valentine's Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone

That moment where you playfully punch a kid in the grocery store, and only afterwards realize it wasn't yours.

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who's dating your ex.

My fav sci-fi this year is the Bank of America ad where the 30 year old dude with a new baby has $56k in his checking account.

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn't have wrapped it like a burrito.

I only buy expensive baby food with cute babies on the label because I'm willing to pay extra if it means my kids aren't eating ugly babies.

Fatherhood Tip : If there's puke in your coat pocket and poop on your shoulder, you're holding the baby upside down.

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

As a kid, I'd pull a girl's hair to let her know I liked her, but now that I'm older & wiser I simply hit her with my car.

{Text} Me: Come home soon baby, I'm dressed like Leia.. Him: So turned on, I am.. Me: If you show up dressed like Yoda it's not happening

Just saw a kid with a protest sign that said "I AM VERY GOOD AT KARATE" and I'll regret for the rest of my life that I didn't get a picture

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

[Enters baby room late at night] *flicks switch* [baby's got a raccoon in a headlock] "What the-" DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

Why not call baby pigs "hamlets" ?

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to "do it herself." Three hours later, I'm still waiting for her to get out of the car.

[tour of zoo] kid: "i think its a elephant" me: "are you giving the tour" kid: me: "anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing"

One time a baby threw up in my mouth & it still wasn't as disgusting as Nicholas Cage's haircut in National Treasure 2.

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under, until my phone got stuck under my bed.

How come when a child shouts "This is dumb" at a wedding it's considered cute, but when I do it, I'm immediately replaced by another priest?

Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We'll be naming her tomorrow. Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.

This post-pregnant lady found the perfect way to shed her baby-belly by giving birth! Scientists and non-pregnant ladies HATE her!!!

The best thing about being over 25 is that no one can find embarrassing Youtube videos of you as a kid.

You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If "mom" is even your real name... [Neighbor to mom] hi Susan! *kid faints*

"You know where you are? You're in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! ...Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?"

Taught the 5yo to say "totes magotes" to annoy my husband who can't figure out why the kid keeps yelling, "COACH MY GOATS, DAD!" Nailed it.