#kids

My neighbour said I'm not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they'd prefer left over chicken to sandwiches

If you've ever taken a baby to a movie, please set yourself on fire. Thanks.

There's a little girl's voice that sings lullabies in my guest room closet but don't mind her; she died years ago. Here's your blanket.

Sometimes I see a baby and think "Aww, I want one!" Then I find my TV remote in the fridge again and think "Yeah, maybe I'm not ready."

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp? KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud MOM: A generator? For what? KID: To charge our iPods

I am a kid at heart and a 52 year old coal miner at liver.

Life tip: If you're curious if you've gotten fat, have a kid draw your picture.

jesus could get on twitter and be like "fear not, child. i know for a fact that your going to heaven!" and someone would be like "you're".

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself. Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn't unbutton it.

Pretty sure that "Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory" is the kid's version of "Saw".

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

Pretty sure my baby thinks the number after 10 is yay.

When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains. It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.

*sees girl at bar* Hey baby, wanna get outta here? "Sure!" Good, you're really killing the vibe.

I don't know, Your Honor. Last thing I remember was the Polaroid picture crying and I was shaking it like a baby andIT WOULDN'T STOP CRYING!

[several months ago] BEYONCE: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby JAY-Z: How many we got BEYONCE: One JAY-Z: Not a problem

I always get "never shake a baby" and "cats always land on their feet" mixed up. Anyways I need a lawyer.

Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog? Stranger: He's over there! Oh thank God! [steals little boy's corndog and runs away]

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.

CHRISTMAS TIP: When your kid starts asking questions about whether Santa is real, just tell him to shut up.

I can't afford a police siren so I just taped a crying baby to the top of my car. It's working, people are moving out of my way.

Turn that baby's cry into a jazzy tune by putting a harmonica in it's mouth

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim's nose? Accused: No. *cries into palms Baby Judge: O, great, he's disappeared again.

Ten times I've watched that episode of Friends where Rachel has the baby, just so I'll be emotionally ready when my wife delivers tomorrow.

BABY: WAAAAAAA- ME: Shhhh, it's okay. BABY: -AAAAAAAA- ME: shhhh.... BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI! ME: wtf BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.