#kids

Me: What's your dad do? Kid: My dad? He's an actor Me: Why? Couldn't you get a real dad?

Home Alone teaches us that a child can't pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.

Me: Hi Kid: M: Still? It's been a week K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE! M: You didn't die. Calm down.

Every time you hire a clown for a kid's birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are "too mainstream."

You're nice to the weird kid once, then BOOM! Stalked for life...

*is at the movies with hot date* *does fake yawn to put arm around her* *yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front* *dies*

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first! son *screaming*

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to "sweep the leg". They've all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

Every time I hold a baby I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator. "18 to life, man. I KNOW IT SMELLS GOOD! Stay with me."

ME: I've been shot MEDIC: put pressure on the wound ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child's tuition because education is important

I'm not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I'm just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all "weird, I don't remember eating that..."

This Xanax script says I should take one daily as needed but I'm pretty sure they meant per child so, including the dogs, that makes five.

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they're tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they're drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

11: Dad, what's your spirit animal? Mine's a tiger. Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella? 11: ...

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

[driving 2 school] *looks back,sees toothbrushes in child carseats WAIT! IF YOU'RE HERE THEN... [cut to kids at home, covered in toothpaste]

When I was a kid I made friends with the wrong people. "those aren't people, those are stray dogs" my mom would say as she dressed my wounds

I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.

Speaking from experience, No More Tears shampoo does not work as advertised if you drop the bottle on a baby's face.

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof. We believe you.