#marriage

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn't remember we're camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

Finding Nemo (2003) A father is criticized for being overprotective after his wife & kids are murdered & his only surviving son is kidnapped

WIFE: What are you doing? ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs? ME: WIFE: You fell down the stairs ME: Yes

*Wife sends me a link* *I click on link* *Buy whatever's at the link* *wait for delivery* ~Christmas shopping for my wife

Brad Pitt. While you're helping the world, please feed your wife.

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died? Me: Damnit Facebook not now. FB: Sorry... FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.

Wife: My family is coming over. Me: ....? Wife: PANTS! PUT ON PANTS!

The only highlight of a brutal moving day: Wife: "That's way too big to fit in the back door." 4 people in unison: "That's what she said!"

If you get invited to an AT&T; executive's wedding, don't go. The reception will be terrible.

I wish you'd told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I've already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

Why would anyone come on Twitter JUST to argue? Don't you have an ex, or a spouse, or a family member that you can argue with?

It must be pretty inconvenient when you meet someone from a dating site and you're already married to them.

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who's boss ME: damn right [later] ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

ME: Do we have Bacon Bits? WIFE: Fridge. Why? ME: *filling pockets* No reason *dog park* PERSON: Sorry. He's normally behaved ME: No prob

After they got married she even put his truck nuts in a jar.

My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face! I love Sharpie markers.

You hate it "No I just didn't think we'd spend our anniversary here" *pssss* "What was that?!" The bouncy castle is deflating

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again! MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You're shallow and selfish. I'm leaving you and taking the kids.

Therapist: what's your biggest issue with your husband? Wife: he gives me no privacy Me: [tapping on window from outside] that's not true

Today, I asked my husband if he would still love me if I was ugly and fat. He answered, "Yes, honey I do."

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm.. Me: [recreating "You Better Shape Up Scene" from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You're home early.

WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria's Secret] OMG ME: It's not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale WIFE: Oh thank God

We'd been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

Nothing screams passive agressive quite like letting your spouse sleep in, while also letting the kids play loudly outside the bedroom door