#marriage

6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I'LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE Husband: *dies laughing*

Pretty rude of my boyfriends' wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.

I'm going to run errands, need anything? "Yes, some new light bulbs" Why, our current bulbs are too heavy? "And a good divorce lawyer"

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

ME: I'll see you in a month WIFE: Don't forget to write ME: It's highly unlikely I'd forget such a basic skill, Sharon

Husband: I love you. Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

Wife - I want you to take off my bra and panties. Me - Done, now what? Wife - Put some clothes on and quit wearing my underwear! Me - ...

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

I spent the entire day throwing darts at a picture of my wife. *wife phones* Wife: What you doing? Husband: Missing you.

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes. WIFE: M: W: The laundry. M: No the dish... W: M: W: What? M: We need new dishes.

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring. MOM: Honey, for the last time you're not at a sleepover. You're married.

Me: Can I have some of your candy? 3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer? Me: 3: Me: 3: Me: Deal. Wife: NO!

Food wedding anniversaries: Year 1: champagne 2: strawberries 3: chocolate 4: donuts 5: protein shakes 6: microwave meal 7: Rat poison

step 1. log onto instagram step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. "SmithWedding2014" step 3. use hashtag step 4. post pictures of yaks

Meow meow meow [Wife comes home early] MEOW! *cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack* THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband's face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, "um, these aren't mine."

Husband: I'll unload the dishwasher for you, honey. Me: No rush. 3 days later.......regrets saying no rush.

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed* "OMG..we've been burgled" *I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear* HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

I'm off to the store got your wallet? yes you sure? YES *hour later wife turns on news and I'm being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

Someone just asked me if I was 'happily' married. Single people are adorable.

Every chef on Chopped's like "I was medically dead for 3 yrs & my wife married the guy who pushed me off that bridge. My specialty is bao."

My wife asked, "How do cheese strings work?" I started to laugh, but then I stopped. How do cheese strings work?

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I'd have to lose to date again.

WIFE: I can't take it anymore. Your incorrect use of idioms is tearing us apart! ME [taking her hand]: Cat got your tongue?

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!