Daughter is acting so rude I'm not sure she's even mine. Think my wife may have cheated on me with YouTube's comments section.#Youtubes#Marriage0🔗 SharePermalink →
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don't want to be there.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
You have to admire husband's focus as he plays on his iPad while I furiously chop carrots tapping out "I hate you" in morse code w my knife.#Marriage#Technology0🔗 SharePermalink →
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife? Me: "I do" Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it#Marriage#Religion0🔗 SharePermalink →
1st Anniversary: Let's go to Vegas 5th Anniversary: Get a sitter so we can go to dinner 10th Anniversary: Russian roulette sounds like fun#Marriage0🔗 SharePermalink →
Wife: What would you do if I died? Husband: I would go crazy Wife: Would you re-marry? Husband: Ah, not that crazy..#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
How come when a child shouts "This is dumb" at a wedding it's considered cute, but when I do it, I'm immediately replaced by another priest?#Marriage#Religion#Kids0🔗 SharePermalink →
A handsome man came up to me today & said "Hi what's your name?" I said "You on Twitter?" He said "No" We're getting married on Monday!#Twitter#Marriage0🔗 SharePermalink →
Hub: What's this? Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I'm a little closer to freedom. Hub: *puts $100 in* Me:...#Marriage0🔗 SharePermalink →
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.#Marriage#Dating#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
My wife said she wished she never woke up this morning. Turns out we do have something in common.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they're all there to be actors, and that it's total bullshit. Then he turned to wrestling.#Marriage0🔗 SharePermalink →
The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You'd be surprised how many M&M's someone can swallow in their sleep.#Hawaii#Marriage0🔗 SharePermalink →
[ordering cake over phone] "and what would you like the cake to say?" [covers phone to ask wife] "do we want a talking cake?"#Marriage#Technology0🔗 SharePermalink →
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
My wife converted to Judaism during Batman Begins. It was a real Christian Bail.#Christian Bail#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is "ding dong the witch is dead" so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO#Canada#Marriage#Dark Humor0🔗 SharePermalink →
Father's Day is the day my wife gets on all fours and lets me do ANYTHING I want to her. I usually lay back and use her as an ottoman.#Marriage#Parents0🔗 SharePermalink →
Taught the 5yo to say "totes magotes" to annoy my husband who can't figure out why the kid keeps yelling, "COACH MY GOATS, DAD!" Nailed it.#Marriage#Kids#Parents0🔗 SharePermalink →
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again. Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?#Marriage0🔗 SharePermalink →
When my wife does our daughter's hair: "How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?" When I do her hair: "How about a hat?"#Marriage0🔗 SharePermalink →
DOCTOR: If you don't exercise, there's really no point in dieting. ME: I can't wait to tell my wife the good news.#Marriage#Doctor#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →