#marriage

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

My husband said he bought the toupee for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

[kidnapper hands wife phone] "brent" BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

*getting married Priest: will you love & honor her? Me: I will Her: [whispers to priest] Priest: and leave your phone unlocked? Me: I'm out

"You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her." "We're still married, Grandma." "She's such a lovely girl."

[Best man speech] I HAVE DEFEATED THE OTHER MEN IN THIS WEDDING PARTY TO EMERGE AS THE BEST, THE MICROPHONE SHALL BE MINE FOOLISH MORTALS!

What'sApp Me: Mom, what's for dinner? Mom : typing ... *gets married* *have kids* *gets old* *dies* *goes to hell* Mom: Fish, honey!

Taxidermist's Wife: Whatcha thinkin' about? Taxidermist: Stuff.

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

BEN CARSON'S WIFE: Are you coming home for dinner BEN CARSON: Go to ben carson dot com and read my plan to come home for dinner

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

Ask a man if he's critiquing your work... Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you. Single Men say: Yes Married Men: Try to hide

Pro Tip: don't fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.

Alex: A ship that has sunk What is my relationship? Alex: No sorry tha- [glares at wife] I'll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son's grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

[family hears me pull in driveway] wife: please don't wrestling announcer: sorry ma'am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

[planning for wedding] i found us a remote location "Omg where?" *points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV* The remote goes there now

"Don't move or she's dead" was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym. ME: [playing Pokemon Go] I've been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

Losing your spouse can be hard. But it's not impossible.