#marriage

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED [wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit] Jesus: OK I'MMA COME BACK LATER

I know why you wear your wedding ring on your left hand guys. Cause once you say "I do" your right hand is gonna be awful busy.

For date night tonight I'm taking my wife out for a nice dinner at the Sam's Club sample tables.

My wife and I have been dieting together for a week so it'd probably be safer for me to come home smelling like perfume than a Snickers bar.

Wife: I'm glad you're watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends? Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

[hardware store] Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff Wife: Fine Clerk: Can I help you? Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

My husband has been missing for a week, the police say to prepare for the worst... So I went to the thrift store & got all his clothes back!

Wife: I'm going to grab some dinner, you want anything? Me: No thanks, I'm stuffed. Wife: Ok, I'm going to Taco... Me: I'll have 9 tacos.

Mannequin challenge but me just standing in the kitchen, in the dark, holding the ice cream container as my wife walks by unaware.

Yeah I'm married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN'S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

WIFE: get down here! ME: *from telephone wire* I'm with my friends WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings? ME: *to bird next to me* they're real

Husband has fake roaches that he sets up around the house to scare the shit out of me 24/7. I'm putting out positive pregnancy tests. HA.

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an "attorney" one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

I'm glad David married me for my brains. My glorius, perky, bouncy brains.

My guy hates waste, so we went to the store, picked out anniversary cards, exchanged them, read them, and put them back on the shelves.

If I get married, I'd take my wife to a deserted island on our honeymoon. On our 15th anniversary, I'd return to pick her up. Maybe.

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard. Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again? ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not! WIFE: You lying to me? ME: No. *rains frogs*

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back me: that doesn't sound like her, she never kept a knife there

In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I'm not his wife.We broke it off...Single again

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse] Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

A fun thing to do is comment "that ain't the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos

There's this guy at work who's giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow. His name was Tom.

Me: I'm nervous about mingling at the party Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to [Party] Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that's why we're getting a divorce and marrying you instead.