#facebook

I'm starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook. You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

My friend's kid just turned 7 and he's an amazing child and she loves him. To be blown away by more original content, please see Facebook

I've just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented "rip". Stop the internet, I wanna get off

My teen thought it'd be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

I never realized how many people I hated until I got a facebook

Grandma: what's oversharing? Me: It's when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

I say: "No, sorry. I'm not on Facebook at all." They hear: "I live amongst hill people where The Goat we worship has forbidden friendship."

You go for a run then post your route to Facebook. I dig a hole on that route then cover it with sticks and leaves. We both get exercise.

My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, "Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart." She tagged my sister.

Girls on Facebook call it, "The Walk of Shame." Girls on Twitter call it, "The Strut of Satisfaction"

Kate on Facebook can't believe the ordacity of some people. I can't believe the audacity of people who use big words that they can't spell.

If I had a time machine I'd go back to Germany in 1933 and change my Facebook avatar to an anti-Nazi logo.

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don't wanna have to explain why I'm in your 'Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share] ME: I knew she'd come crawling back to me one day

I'm putting together a mail-order-bride catalog featuring poor desperate American women looking for a way out...I'm calling it Facebook.

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don't end up like everyone I went to high school with.

How many shares of Facebook stock do I have to buy to disable my mom's "Like" button?

Instructions: 1. Watch every breath someone takes 2. Watch every move someone makes 3. Watch every bond someone breaks 4. Log off Facebook

Before Twitter there was Facebook, before Facebook there was MySpace and before that I had a life.

Why are these Facebook status updates so much more interesting than usual? Oh, because this isn't Facebook - it's a mattress label. My bad.

Beyonce's birthday list: 1) The (former) planet Pluto 2) Maybach factory 3) The Taj Mahal 4) Lost city of Atlantis 5) Facebook

Facebook is pretty much the Wal-Mart of the internet.