#doctor

Ask your doctor if being a doctor is right for him. Everything isn't about you.

THERAPIST: You're cured. ME: Really?!? THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what's good for you... ME: [Holds up hand] "Let me stop you right there"

Made my mom the most beautiful Mother's Day card out of my psychiatrist bills.

Therapist: what's upsetting you? Wife: he's always using common phrases incorrectly Me: cry me a table, Linda

[hospital] DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR ME: I'm here for a sprained ankle DOCTOR: She insisted

Me: Pull my finger. Doctor: Ok. [finger detaches] Me: AAAAHHHHH! Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!! ME: haha j/k that's actually why I came in.

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor 'hey, where'd your watch go?'

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday. Never seen a man cry like that before.

"Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?" Well I'm going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

"Laughter is the best medicine" -doctor who failed med school

With only one plug in this hospital room it's not looking good for Nana's respirator if my phone battery dies and I have a good tweet.

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel? ME: "Mphh mophh wampph." T: Again, this works better if you don't lie face down on the couch.

Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. "For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan."

I wish I could unhinge my jaw so when the dentist says "open wide," I could really wow him.

I'm never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.

kid doctor: [looking over charts] im not going to lie this is the worst case of cooties ive ever seen little girl: he said he'd been tested!

Stole a bunch of extra long q-tips from the doctor. Who wants to party?

DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew ME: [I don't hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]

My doctor recommended that I should stab an unsuspecting coworker, or do some anger management or something.

Dentist: Ok, I'm going to start drilling. "Wait! What if I have to poop?" D: Then you should go now. *awkward pause* "Thanks I feel better."

*starts throwing a fit* Iron man: Here. Eat a Snickers. Doctor Banner: Thanks, bro.

*1st day on prozac* Me: These are awesome! What am I supposed to take tomorrow? Doctor: That was a 30 day supply. Me: Whoops.

Lying on a hospital bed, I pull you in close, and with my dying breath, I whisper, "Name one of your Pokemon after me"

Doctor: What seems to be th- Me: -Medicinal marijuana! Doc: I'm sorry? Me: Let's start with the answer, then work on the problem, ok?