#doctor

*walks into hospital carrying baby* "What's your return policy on this thing?"

What if you're a Gift Horse Dentist?

Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.

*sees cute doctor in scrubs* *falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth! Doc: ... Me: Aren't you obligated to help? Husband: GET UP!

WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him ME: ok [drives to hospital] ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one

If a dentist make their money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?

"Lifehack" is now just synonymous with "action." "A great lifehack for becoming a doctor is going to medical school!"

Doctor: How long have you been in pain? Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

Therapist: Talk about your friends. Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine... T: That's a Billy Joel song. Me: You're no fun.

ME: Do ghosts wear condoms DENTIST: How are you still awake

My doctor told me, "If you don't quit smoking, it doesn't really matter how poorly you eat" and that was the best day of my life.

Get your therapist to start taking you seriously by pulling a donut out of your purse.

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

My medical insurance plan is so bad that I'm not allowed to see my doctor. He just reads my Twitter and adjusts my medications.

"is that blood or ketchup?" ketchup "how is that even possible?" *surgeon stops making incision* I don't know

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

I got kicked out of the hospital tonight. Apparently the sign "Stroke Patients Here" meant something different.

[therapy session] THERAPIST: ok...I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine...but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park ME: nuh uh

Your hands aren't tied down when you're at the dentist, you're allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.

Some choices are easier than others: An emergency doctor's appt vs a much needed hair appt. At least if I die my hair will be cute.

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc DR DOG: I've got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

me: it smells like updog in here me: what's updog me: not much dog what's up with you lmao me: lol therapist: I see

Doctor: I'm going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal. Me: Well now you've made THAT nearly impossible.

Ask your doctor if an unnecessary over-prescribed medication so he can get kickbacks from a pharmaceutical company is right for you.