*runs into restaurant* IS ANYONE HERE A DOCTOR? "I'm a doctor" Nice. Nice. Can you buy me dinner I'm very poor#Money#Food#Doctor#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
WIFE: what's going on? ME: [locking the door] I haven't had an apple in 3 days DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing#Marriage#Doctor0🔗 SharePermalink →
*Nurses dump cooler full of blood on surgeon after successful surgery*#Doctor#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.#Animals#Doctor#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today? Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead#Doctor#Parents#Dark Humor0🔗 SharePermalink →
Me: How dilated is she? Nurse: 4 centimeters. Me: This is America. Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.#America#Doctor#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
Doctor: where does it hurt? Me: [shows him an empty bag of Cheetos]#Doctor#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
MC HAMMER: U can't touch this! ... U can't touch this! MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer! MC HAMMER: U can't tou...#Mr Hammer#Doctor0🔗 SharePermalink →
Wife: he's always confusing sayings... Therapist: what if you're just misinterpreting him? Me: oooh, check you out playing devil's avocado#Marriage#Religion#Doctor0🔗 SharePermalink →
Last time I went to the doctor he prescribed constipation medicine to clear up my earwax. He was right about me being a shithead apparently.#Doctor0🔗 SharePermalink →
*spills water on pants* ok don't let anyone think you peed your pants "hey what happ--" MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL#Doctor0🔗 SharePermalink →
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.#Doctor0🔗 SharePermalink →
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.#Doctor#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
9 out of 10 dentists agree: the 10th dentist is a dog, not a dentist. the 10th dentist argues that dogs can b dentists too#Animals#Doctor0🔗 SharePermalink →
I can't feel my face when I'm with you, but I love it. Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn't even funny the first time.#Doctor0🔗 SharePermalink →
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.#Doctor#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
[about to go in for emergency surgery] ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?#Animals#Doctor#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
PATIENT: I've been so stressed out lately. What can I do? DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress#Dr Dog#Animals#Doctor0🔗 SharePermalink →
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor? Because he didn't feel well.#Doctor#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
ME: So I... was never invisible? JAIL DOCTOR: No. That's why you're in jail#Doctor#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →