#doctor

I tried playing hide-n-seek with my friends newborn and now I'm not allowed back inside that hospital :(

No matter how many times I call the hospital to complain, they won't recall my baby.

At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I'm forty. I have one.

I hate going to the dentist, he is always like "did you eat Oreos before you came in?" and "you are still eating Oreos, I can see you"

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: "Are you on any meds?" Me: "You might want to grab a notebook."

The doctor told me I need to rest so I dropped the kids off at his office & now he won't stop calling me as if that's going to help me rest.

I'm very patient in the way that I can last 45 minutes trying to fix something before I have to pound the shit out of it with a hammer.

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it's a talk show THERAPIST: Is this true? ME: *turns and winks at camera* We'll find out after the break

GF: I'm leaving with the kids if you don't stop pretending our house is a hospital ME: That'll be great, we really need the beds

Surgeon: I'll be taking out your appendix today Me: [stomach rumbles] Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy] Appendix: I have a boyfriend

WIFE [in labour] GOD MAKE IT STOP MIDWIFE: The baby's WIFE: NO, THE NOISE ME [stops playing pan pipes] Is the nurse being too loud, love?

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that's what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

apparently my psychiatrist doesn't appreciate that i call her my new drug dealer

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn't see them...he said when does this happen...I said over the phone

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

No YOU hug her first .... NO YOU hug her first .... F-that ! YOU hug her FIRST ! .... -Lineup congratulating the Next Ebola free nurse

My new dentist asked me if I gag easily. "No, I'm a professional," probably wasn't the answer he expected.

[talking to family after emergency surgery] Your positive energy saved my life Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

When Kate Middleton goes into labor, the doctor will say "the baby is crowning!" and they'll laugh and laugh

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor 'cause you might be good for me but I can't read you at all.

[Doctor's Office] Doctor: The bad news is you have 3 months to live. Me: What's the good news? Doctor: You should make it til Shark Week

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that's one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

well its a strange request "pleease" ok ok [doctor says test results again only this time in arnold schwarzenegger voice] its naht a toomah

It's pretty rude how they'll kick you out of the hospital just for using a defibrillator to make a grilled cheese sandwich.