#doctor

[dentist chair] how's school? *I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn't in my mouth* oh sorry *puts hand in my mouth* how's school?

My favorite thing about being a parent is lying to my kid Me: The doctor cuts off our tails when we're born 8 y/o daughter: Wife: ZACK!

ME: long time no see! I heard you're a doctor FRIEND: I am. what do you do now? ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I'm a writer

When my doctor gives me a prostate exam I like to moan "Mmmm, deeper." Freaks him out, but not as much as when I try to cuddle afterward.

DR DOG: have you been taking your diabetes meds daily? PATIENT: no DR DOG: *hits him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper* Bad patient!

[interview for doctor's office receptionist] "Can you schedule appointments and be friendly" Yes. "Sorry we're looking for the opposite"

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you "scare easily" and are "quite disagreeable". ME: *from behind the couch* That's not true.

My 4 yr old: I wish I was a nurse. Me: You can be one day, if you want. Him: *sadly shaking head* No. I'm going to be a Power Ranger.

My chiropractor told me I have to stop using air quotes when I call him "doctor."

NURSE: I promise. It's ok. You can come in. MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

I like to wear latex gloves to the doctor. Then he knows I can quickly retaliate if he gets too handsy.

...a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck..., if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

THERAPIST: what's wrong? WIFE: he speaks in typos ME: EVERYTHING IS JUST FIND BRENDA! THERAPIST: ok maybe we should take 5 ME: food idea

My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.

Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 934 pounds.

DENTIST: Been flossing? ME: Yup D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack Therapist: How do you feel now? Me: With my elbows

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

*school reunion* Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

doctor: you know how to measure your bowel movements me: yeah of course doctor: you weigh yourself before and after me: [15 Sec pause] yeah

Kid: "I want to be a doctor when I grow up." Mom: "You can't. Your hands aren't cold enough."

Doctor: It's been weeks since we restored your vision. Thoughts? "I can't believe that British guy from the Geico commercials is a lizard."

I'm sick and I'm going to work today; so if there's some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I'm your patient-zero.

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn't sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don't think that's a... Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!