#doctor

Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.

*guy collapses* ICE CREAM MAN: does anyone know CPR DOCTOR:*looks at ice cream cones in both his hands, looks up, then slowly walks away*

"Does this hurt?" "YES!" "What about this?" "OW!" *Dr. writes notes* "Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates."

That will be $6.34, and would you like to donate a dollar to the children's hospital or do you prefer being judged by a Taco Bell employee?

Doctor's appt: doctor checked me for hernia. Oddly replaced typical "turn your head and cough" with "who's my dirty bitch."

LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor's waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand DATE: ?? ME: It's on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

Want to spice things up? Look them right in the eyes and lick their fingers seductively. My dentist didn't appreciate it, but yours might.

DOCTOR: *stethoscope on my back* Gimme a very slow exhale. ME: EXXXXHHHHHHAAAALLLLLE

My psychiatrist says we need to work on my intimacy issues but then he's always the one who refuses to snuggle with me on his couch.

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn't good ... Me: give it to me straight doc what is it doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in? Me: Is married a number? That's how I get the good meds...

"Better out than in," my dad always used to say. Lovely man. Terrible heart surgeon.

Doctor: Any cancer in the family? Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I'll have to check on everyone else. Doc: ...

A friend's father had been using LOL to mean lots of love. This explained such messages as "Your grandmother's in the hospital. LOL."

[doctor hands wife urn] Ma'am, I'm afraid your husband didn't make it. "Nooo!" she cries. Oh, he's fine. But he didn't make this lovely urn.

Uh, guys... I just heard from my doctor, and it's bad news. If you've retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

My therapist said I have acute personality disorder. I was like I know, right?

My doctor prescribed a med that has "weight loss" as a side effect......I've never wanted to overdose so much in my life!

You didn't have to say "he's a male nurse." When you said 'he' my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

*Snowman wakes up in hospital* "What happened to me?!" Snow Doctor: Don't worry you're fine. But... what did you think a snow blower did?

My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he's just a lamp so what does he really know anyway

Wife: He's always rewriting the past.. Therapist: is this true? Me: [doesn't hear because I'm typing 'Shrek killed Hitler' into Wikipedia]

Being popular on Twitter is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.

Him: She's always doing magic tricks Therapist: Is that true? Me: Check your pocket. [he pulls out a piece of paper with 'NO' written on it]