#doctor

All the doctors at this hospital must have gone to This-Piece-Of-Medical-Equipment-Is-Not-A-Toy University and majored in "boring".

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt. THERAPIST: Is this true? PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT'S TRUE I'M A BALL OF NEEDLES

My therapist says I should stop breaking into his house to tell him all my problems ... and also that he's not a therapist .

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i "need to put my hospital gown on the right way"

Therapist: Alright, let's start at the beginning Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn't born a centaur

Never look down on anyone. Unless you're a lion cub named Simba and you're being held over a crowd of animals by a weird monkey doctor.

[at therapist] I don't know, sometimes I just feel invisible Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?

[Working in a hospital] ME: Well, this guy's autopsy is done NURSE: You mean tonsillectomy ME: Uh oh

[bleeding out] ER Doctor: do you know your blood type? ME: I've never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

Let stand in microwave for 2 minutes.' Hah. Yeah, like I make microwave dinners because I'm patient.

*at lawyer's office* Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she's seeing a surgeon *idiot wife pops out from under desk* that's so not true!

I'm going to the hospital tomorrow...not because I'm sick, but because they have free pudding if you're fast enough.

GUY #1: You free next week? GUY #2: Let me just check my dairy. GUY #1: You mean diary yeah? *cow walks by with "dentist 11.30" on it*

[on the way to the hospital] GF: "let me get this straight. You thoug-" Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

If I ever get a tummy tuck I'm going to ask the surgeon to make a little pocket below my navel so I'll always have a place for my iPod.

"The doctor can see you now." - a nurse, after removing the doctor's blindfold.

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn't make you wait an hour.

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today. Wife: We don't talk. Plus he is so literal. Me: My truck.

If I was a doctor, every now and again I'd eat a giant burrito then give myself a sonogram.

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? "We don't know who he is, but we know his dentist!"

Me: so I'm delusional? Doctor: yes. Me: and you're a delusion? Doctor: yes. Me: I want a second opinion. Pink Dragon: you're delusional.

I love it when I run into people I know at my psychiatrist's office... Because I'm like, "Hey, you're crazy too? Cool."

You know what's more believable than Keanu Reeves as a doctor? ANYTHING.

[Clinic waiting room] Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??! Nurse: Sir don't shout that! Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?

Ask your doctor if practicing medicine is right for him