#doctor

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love has never been in a relationship apparently.

"when people say different color bell peppers taste different" [doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically

Me: So, what are your thoughts? Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues. Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I'm fat?!

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You'd have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset. ME: I agree

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono. At my age I think I should have surround sound.

When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn't know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.

[therapist] what seems to be the problem? [her] he only hears what he wants to hear. It's awful [me] oh my god yes, I would love a waffle

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist's hand "This'll go quicker if you let me do it."

My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I'm already up to 3 times a day"

Reporter: Doctor, what motivates you to care for coma patients? Me: Well, I'm just here *puts cap on Sharpie* to put smiles on their faces

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

There's no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you're blowing up a rubber glove.

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight ME: Ok I'll consider it VET: Your dog should lose some weight ME: Hey bud, you're going on a diet!

Every time you hire a clown for a kid's birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

The funniest part of being put under with nitrous at the dentist is getting home to find your underwear on backwards.

If you want a pretty nurse, you've got to be patient.

doctor: u are overweight me: hah yeah doc: ok drop your pants me: ur giving mixed messages doc! doc: me: doc: me: so do u like the Indians

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

I've missed the last 50 years of "Doctor Who." Can somebody quickly catch me up?

[dentist giving me a filling] Me: guh uh hag a hogreg? Dentist stops: what? Me: do you have a boyfriend?

Doctor: "You have a hip injury." Me: "I am very trendy."

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger Me: Like a sledgehammer? T: No. More like breathing- M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

Me: *enters exam room Doctor: Please take off your... M: *unbuttons pants D: ?? M: *pauses* D: GLASSES! D: I'M AN EYE DR DAMNIT!

I hope this new health care bill also includes every American's right to a lollipop after leaving the doctor.