#doctor

Dogs are great for meeting girls. Pack of dogs attack a girl she's gonna need to go to a hospital. Who's gonna drive her? That's right. You.

[During surgery] DR DOG: Suction please. NURSE: But there's no bleeding. DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

Doctor: this might hurt a little bit Me: okay Doctor: i like you, but only as a friend

[in hospital] -dude what happened? "I got hit by a bu- [a bus taps on the window, does neck slice motion] -I mean I fell down the stairs"

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor? Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help M: My son broke his leg! V: Ok hang on. My rifle's in the truck

I don't care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you're going to need a dentist.

*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo* "It means wisdom" *I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm* "It means I was brave at the doctor"

[hospital] "Did my dad make it, doctor?" Billy, your dad's in a better place now. [crying] "HE'S DEAD?" Haha no, he went to Disney World.

Don't do anything rash - inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

3 rules for having good teeth: brush and floss twice a day, see your dentist twice a year, and keep your nose out of other peoples business.

*therapist writes in pad* Me: Sometimes I feel like people don't notice me- *therapist jumps* Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

My doctor told me to get a lot of rest and fluids so I've been on a drunk rage in my bedroom since 1988.

Doctor: Have you quit smoking yet? Me: Has there been a string of unsolved murders in the news? Doctor: No. Me: Then, no, I haven't.

Me: Do you ever feel like you're an imposter? Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair Me: Interesting *writes 'thinks he's the psychiatrist'*

Nurse: You need to eat or you can't have your pain meds. Me: Do the thing. Nurse: Me: Nurse: *holding fork* [sigh]*makes airplane noise*

"Doctor, I'm afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me." THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale PATIENT: Ok DR DOG: I'll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*

(At the dentist) 'Your grinding isn't good.' Excuse me! I've never had a man complain before.

Therapist: what's your biggest issue with your husband? Wife: he gives me no privacy Me: [tapping on window from outside] that's not true

Hi, I'm here to see the doctor. -me Witch doctor? -reception Nooo...I think he's Jewish. -me [blank stare] Please sit down.

"Tell me why I shouldn't report you to HR?" The doctor yelled at me when I used the defibrillator wrong. "I don't work here" I yelled back.

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it's called "peeing" what a dumb idiot.

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age. So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl. Tik Tok.

If I was a Doctor, my prescription pad would just read: "Smoke 2 joints, eat ALL the chicken"

It's so frustrating when your therapist tells you to go to your happy place then yells at you when you show up at her house