#doctor

You're psychiatrist's opinion about your social media habits don't count if he has less followers than you.

I'm not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"

My therapist asked me to list my good qualities:nnNice to everyone's facenUsually wear deodorantnThin cheese slicernnThat took four hours.

[having heart attack] HELP...CAN'T...MOVE ME: Dude, are you ok?! [faintly] CALL...ME...A...DOCTOR ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

Had to get sticky tape and gift tags surgically removed from my body at the hospital... Proving once again that white guys can't wrap.

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

Ladies : Who's the man who, with just the slightest touch- gives you chills and makes you tremble with anticipation ? Your dentist.

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, 'How about Epidural Anesthesia?' I was like, 'Thanks, but I already picked a name.

WIFE: He thinks he's a news anchor DOCTOR: Is this true ME: [stacking papers & talking inaudibly as the camera zooms out]

Dentist pulled the wife's tooth, she cried. Dentist told her not to put anything hard in her mouth, I cried.

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant* *cooler is full of Gatorade* "Wait but this means..." *cut to surgeon's kids dumping kidney on coach*

ME: so what do you do GUY: I'm an oral surgeon ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you're a helluva kisser

My wife used to get so fat that she had to go to the hospital; then a person would fall out of her. That doesn't sound normal.

Surgeon: I'm unable to perform this surgery. I've only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

Doctor Who. He can travel to any planet during any period but mostly ends up in places that look like present day England.

[first day as a midwife] ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head! NURSE: You're at the wrong end.

You know yer addicted to twitter when you count letters in the surgeon general's warning on the vodka bottle & think "Yeah, that would fit."

*turns off life support* *waits* *turns it back on* Me: How's she now? Him: Are you sure you're a doctor? Me: Doct... No, I'm from IT.

Being a Twitter elite is like being the most popular patient in the asylum.

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I'm having several tonite.

Everyone should thank me for not being a doctor.

Just got a holiday card from a doctor addressed to the dead guy who used to live here. Sending back a card that says "You suck at your job."

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery. Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.