#doctor

Dentist: You don't have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep! *I start flossing his teeth* D: Um... Me: These are mine now

Doctor: you gotta cut back on the drinking Me: but why? D:*lifts up x-ray* says here your liver has officially been sponsored by Grey Goose

While making small talk with my wife's doctor I asked him what he does for a living because I am amazing at human interaction.

DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can't see you right now ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome

Me: I know exactly what's wrong with me, Doctor. Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn't you? Me: NO! Dr: <blink> Me: One TINY Google.

"What's up, doc?" says Bugs Bunny. "Not you," laughs the doctor. "Take these little blue pills." *Looney Tunes music plays*

Thinking about starting an independent pharmacy called "Netflix and Pills". Quality patient care with 24/7 Netflix while you wait. Thoughts?

[Couples therapy] WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces "food" like "feud". THERAPIST: And you, sir? ME: She's always in a bad mude.

MY DENTIST ASKED HIS ASSISTANT TO SUCTION (THE WATER OUT OF MY MOUTH)BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING TO ME SO I SUCKED HIS FINGER. IM MORTIFIED

Doctor: Are you on any antidepressants? Me: You mean like nachos? Yes.

[Therapist's Waiting Room] ME: you're gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren't you WIFE: yup ME: I knew it!

DOCTOR: congratulations, it's a boy! *holds up baby tricycle* BICYCLE DAD: what the hell? BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

"Bitches be crazy." -dog therapist

Doctor: "I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?" Nurse: "B positive." Doctor: "Okay. I don't think this patient is dying."

Doctor: "Well, Mrs Jones, you are eating for two now!" Kate: "I'm pregnant?!" Doctor: "No. You have a tapeworm."

In the eye doctor waiting room with my mom. There's apparently an old person throat clearing competition here today.

DOCTOR: u broke ur leg in five places, how did this happen ME:*flashback of me trying to carry too much ice cream up the stairs* bears.

Wife: He's always lying about his celebrity connections.. Therapist: Is this true? Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What've you got?

Pretty cool how your dreams went from "Astronaut" or "Doctor" to "What's the lowest I can get to pass this course"

Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster Therapist: go on Me: oh so you're taking her side now

ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts* WIFE: see what I mean? THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: "she's nuts. This guy rules*

When someone yawns, I like to yell "Surprise Dentist!" and stick my hand in their mouth, which is fun because I'm not really a dentist.

If you want a medical degree, they're literally hanging on doctor's walls. Grab one.

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism. Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it's not very cute in the morning.