#bernie

Don't Bullshit Your Mother Mrs. Rabin comes to visit her son Bernie for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Elaine. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Bernie's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Bernie and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Bernie volunteered, ""I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Elaine and I are just …

While leading the Friday evening services the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation Bernie walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi horrified asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie. Rabbi: ""What are doing here with a dog?"" Bernie: ""The dog came here to pray."" ""Oh come on."" says the Rabbi. ""YES!"" says Bernie. Rabbi: ""I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple."" Bernie: ""Its true!"".. ""Ok"" says the Ra…

The Yuppie showered a Yuppette with gifts for over a month. He took her to fancy restaurants and expensive resorts. Finally he proposed ""Bernie if you will marry me I have enough money to provide you with anything your little heart desires."" ""Sorry John."" she replied. ""I'm not ready to settle down yet. And besides you can't buy my love but if the price is right I might see my way clear to rent you some.""

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says ""So what would you like Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"" She says ""Bernie I want a divorce."" He says ""I wasn't planning on spending that much.""

Morning Jew Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses." "Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza." "Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Centre." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown." The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your…

Bernard is sitting at the bar and slurs to the barman for another drink... the barman, hearing how much he's clearly had, decides that it's time to chaperone this man out the back door, citing that he's clearly "had enough" for the night. A few minutes later, Bernard stumbles through the front doors again. "BARman! Cahn ah plish haaav' adrink!" The barman, again, doesn't want to disturb his customers, and escorts Bernard, discreetly, out the back door. "Bernard, you've had enough tonight. Go ba…

Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding a Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but put money only into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. One day, a procession came past, and it included His Holiness The Pope. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross, while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. After a few minutes, the Po…

It's Only A Game? At the golf course one Sunday, Bernie's about to putt, when a funeral procession turns the corner just off the course and begins to roll by. Bernie straightens up from his putter, takes his hat off, and holds it over his heart. He stands there silently like that, facing the procession, until it passes. Then he bends over again and makes his putt.       "That was a very thoughtful gesture," a member of his foursome says to him as they walk towards the next tee. "You are one com…

Bush, Trump, Sanders, and Clinton are all on a plane about to crash. A plane with Jeb Bush, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton & Bernie Sanders is about to crash, but has only 3 parachutes. The first passenger yells, "I'm Jeb Bush, let the big dog eat! I can't afford to die." he took the first parachute and jumped. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump runs screaming, "I'm the smartest man in the world & the next President of America. He grabbed the second parachute and jumped. The 3rd passenger, Hillary…

The Pope's Alaska Visit The Pope went on vacation to visit Alaska. He was cruising in the Pope-Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Bernie' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug into the bear's chest. The other men …

An old Chinese man and an old Jewish man are good friends …and have been for many years. Every day they take a walk to the park, sit on a bench, and feed the ducks. They never say much to each other; they just quietly enjoy each other's company. Which is why the Chinese man is surprised when one day, as they sit on the bench, the Jewish man suddenly says, "You know, Sam, there's something I've meant to say for a while. I really treasure our friendship, yet there's a part of me that's never for…

What do you call a man who's on fire? Bernie.

Hillary Clinton and Bernie sanders are having dinner together! Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders were having dinner when Hillary said to Bernie ""Let me get you a knife"

I emailed Hillary that to secure a win she had to pick Bernie as VP.

What should Bernie Sanders' next presidential campaign be called? Hindsight is 2020

Why did vatican invite Bernie not Hillary? They couldn't afford it.

Bernie demands change... whereas Hillary prefers cards or cheques.

Monica Lewinsky is going to vote for Bernie The last time a Clinton was in office it left a bad taste in her mouth.

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, and is on fire? Bernie.

What is Bernie Sanders' LEAST favorite band? SWV (sisters with voices)

How do you know there's a Bernie Sanders fan at your door? Hillary Clinton knocked four minutes ago, but come on guys, no one expected Bernie to come second by so close!! This is a win for him!!! Now's not the time to give up hope!!!! We have to keep fighting!!!!!! Don't get discouraged!!!!!!! Political revolution isn't going to be easy!!!!!!!! I'm donating $4:00 to Bernie's campaign!!!!!!!! Match me, bro!!!!!!!!!

What's Hillary Clinton's favorite musical? Bye Bye Bernie!

Why did Bernie Sanders's chicken restaurant throw out so much food? He only sold left wings.

What Do Bernie Sander Supporters Call Their Parents? Roommates

What's Bernie Sanders's favorite insurance company? Progressive