#ave

At the mental health clinic. A fresh patient arrives and is being guided around by a staff member. ""This right here is John"" sais the staffer ""he is a paranoid delusional"" ""Oh dear!"" speaks the newbie ""do you really think they are out to get you?"" ""No!"" shrieks John, tears running down his eyes, ""nobody's out to get me, nobody!"", and John storms off crying. ""Wow, you guys must ave some cold blooded, but hard hitting therapy"", sais the newbie. ""Actually ..."" replies the staff memb…

Italian math An Italian wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.. 'Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9'. 'Without a numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees. 'What's this?' the boss asks. 'Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the Italian. 'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the…

ITALIAN ARITHMETIC An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.. 'Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.' 'Without a numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees. 'What's this?' the boss asks. 'Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the Italian. 'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but …

An Englishman and a Frenchman are walking through the desert... When to nobodies real surprise a genie appears and offers to grant them a wish each. The Frenchman goes first. ""I would like to be transported back to my wonderful muzzer country, where you will 'ave built a great wall around all ze borders to protect ze beautiful 'omeland of ze French master race from ze filthy foreigners."" And poof, the genie grants his wish and the Frenchman is gone. The Englishman says ""Tell me more about thi…

Those thrifty Yorkshire lads The couple had been happily married for 50 years. The husband contacted the newspaper regarding an obituary. When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion,""How Much?!!!"" He reluctantly produced his wallet. ""I want summat simple,"" he explained,""my Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wunt ave wanted to be owt swanky'. ""Perhaps a small poem,"" suggested the woman at the desk. ""Nay,"" he said, ""she wunt ave wa…

During an expedition in the Amazon.... Three men are traveling with a guide. Their adventure is if to a boring start when a massive bird swoops overhead and poops, covering the three travelers. The first traveler wipes his face and immediately dies. As the other travelers look to their guide, the guide tells them, that is the foo bird, whoever has the misfortune of being pooped on by this bird will live with it on them for the rest of their life, for if they wipe it off, they will die. The secon…

The Queen's legs A local in a small village in England was facing a predicament. He'd just opened a pub, yet came to find that all the names he'd wanted were taken; The Queen's head, The King's Arms, so on so forth. Until he realised nobody had named a pub after the Queen's legs, and as such, he choose to name his pub 'The Queen's legs'. The new barman opened his pub and found it to be quite a success, being the only pub for miles around. Indeed 'The Queen's legs' attracted drinkers from all the…

A Briton, an Australian, and a Haitian are all in a pub... The Briton says: ""My day sucked major arse. Me job was taken by a bloody Polish immigrant. Now I can't even afford to drink my tea and beer!"" The Australian says: ""Nah mate, my day was a lot worse. Some Indonesian bloke stole me money! Now I can't afford to surf and go walkabout!"" The Haitian chuckles. The Brit and Aussie ask him what is so funny. The Haitian says: ""In Haiti, we don't have that problem!"" ""Must be bloody good for y…

The Bacon Tree The year is 1541 and the French have just begun colonization in North America. Young Jean-Luc is in his newly crafted home when suddenly his friend Jean-Pierre bursts through his front door. 'Jean Luc!' he exclaims. 'You weel nevar believe! I 'ave 'eard word of a bacon tree!'. Jean-Luc looks confused and scoffs 'Imposseeble! You cannot grow BaycON on a tree!'. 'Come! And I weel show you ze bacon tree!'. So Jean-Luc & Jean-Pierre set off down the river, with Jean-pierre providi…

An Englishman, a German, a Frenchman, and a Jewish guy are lost in the desert. The Englishman says ""I'm so thirsty, I must have some tea!"" The German says ""I'm so thirsty, I must have ze beer!"" The Frenchman says ""I'm so thirsty, I must 'ave some wine!"" The Jewish guy says ""I'm so thirsty, I must have diabetes!""

Boudreaux and the foreman Here is a nice corny oke im sure has been posted before A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.' 'Without numbers?' The Cajun says, 'Dat is easy.' And proceeds to draw three trees. 'What's this?' the boss asks 'Ave you got no br ain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the Cajun. 'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your…

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, ""O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye."" Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels. ""Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."" O'Brian burst into tears, ""Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."" ""Well…

An Irishman walks into a therapists office... **Therapist**: "So, what seems to be the problem, Mr. Andrews?" **Mr. Andrews**: "I feel guilty. I start drinkin' at noon 'til the missus comes 'ome, then she berates me for drinkin' all day instead of findin' work. We argue for a while 'til I'm fed up an' head down to the pub with the lads to get away from 'er. I'll 'ave some pints, throw some darts, an' play some pool 'til the pub closes, stumble home, listen to 'er bitch for a while 'til I…

So an Irishman is walking through the Kildare forest... He is pretty lost, but suddenly he sees a leprechaun sitting on a rock. Surprised, he greets him. The leprechaun goes "Hello there! Not everyday you see one of my kind! Tell you what, I'll give you 3 wishes! Any you want!" So the Irishman thinks a while, and finally says "Well, it's a bloody hot day, A nice cold glass of Guinness would do fine!" So, as requested the leprechaun conjures up the glass. "You see, this isn't any normal glass…

Boudreaux gets a construction job A Houston construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a Lower Cajun. I'm not hiring any Cajuns, the foreman thought to himself, so he made up a test hoping that the Cajun wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Cajun says. "Dat is easy," and…

A man and his pig walk into a bar... (apologies if this has been posted before) The pig has three good legs, and one wooden leg. "Now there's a story," says the barman. "I'll give you a free beer if you tell me about the pig." "Pig'll 'ave a beer too," says the farmer. The barman agrees, and after downing half the tankard, the farmer says, "Now, this 'ere pig, 'es a good pig. Faithful, loyal, better at 'erding sheep than a dog, says me. Now I'll tell you, we were out in the ute, and a tyre …