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Apologies to any lawyers on Reddit What do you call 100 dead lawyers on the bottom of the ocean? A good start. What do you call three lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand. How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? Depends on how thinly you slice them. A man was out golfing one day. On the fifth hole he drove the ball toward the green. As he looked he realized he was about to hit another golfer. "Fore!"He yelled, "Fore! Fore!" But the other golfer didn't hear him…

Misquoted Intentions Two friends, a black guy and a white guy, share an apartment. The white guy's watching TV when the black guy, obviously agitated, flops down on the couch. Black Guy: Man, I wish I could get a girlfriend. White Guy: Well, you know what Henry Ford said... Black Guy: What!? That is so racist! White Guy looks over confused: What? How is "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right." racist? Black Guy: Oh, damn, I thought you meant another quote. White G…

Little Johnny knows his pills. Miss Paula is going around the classroom asking if the students know what pills take for what ails them. - Little Suzie, what do you take if you have a headache? Well, miss Paula, my mommy gives me Tylenol when I have a headache. - Good answer. James, what do you take if you have allergies? If I take Allegra, I stop sneezing, so that's what dad gives me. - Little Johnny, what do you take if you have diarrhea? Viagra. - Viagra? Why would you ever take that m…

Three American Indians get lost in the forest.. Indian No.1: "What do we do?" Indian No.2: "I don't know, we're Indian, we're not supposed to get lost in the forest!" Indian No.3: "We could do like the white man and fire three shots into the air." Indian No.2: "How does that help?" Indian No.3: "Well, when the white man gets lost in the forest, he fires three shots into the air and then somebody comes and saves him." Indian No.2: "That sounds like a great idea!" *Points to Indian No.1 and …

What's the difference between confident and confidential? A father and son were having breakfast one morning when the son asked: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?" Thinking about it for a bit, the father replied: "Well... You are my son, and of that I am confident. Now, your friend Johnny is also my son. That's confidential."

Screw for a Hinge? Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe was finished, Mary asked, "How much for the teapot?" Joe replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!" "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent…

Why did the French chef commit suicide? Because he lost the huile d'olive.

What did the overly excited gardener do when spring arrived? He wet his plants.

I see your thesaurus joke and raise you mine. Did you here about the truck full of thesauruses that crashed? Onlookers were shocked, astounded, agape, flabbergasted, and taken aback.

Good kid joke. Lame adult joke. Knock knock. Who's there? Salad. Salad who? It's the salad! Lettuce in!

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Wherever you left it.

What is the temperature of a Tauntaun? Luke warm

What did the egg say to the boiling water? Sorry I can't get hard right now. I just got laid.

What does a nosy pepper do? Get jalapeno business

Why don't black people get sunburns? Prisons are indoors. *(sorry black redditors)*

How often do you hear element jokes on Reddit? Periodically!

Football joke How do you keep the St. Louis Rams off of your lawn? Paint an endzone on it.

Did you hear about the fat guy who spent his free time in a British casino? He heard it was a fast way to lose pounds.

How did Helen Keller break her arm? You try reading a stop sign at 60 miles an hour.

What do you call a man with potatoes in their ears? Anything you want, He can't hear you!

Why did the cowboy get a dachshund? Because he wanted to get a long little doggy :)

How does every racist joke start? *Looks around the immediate area*

PUNS & BAR JOKES Why did I invest all of my money into the coin factory? Because it made cents. Did you hear about the swiss cheese debate? The arguments are full of holes. Did you hear about the flutist who got hit in the face with a banana cream pie? He is now called the pie'd piper. So, a pun sprints into a bar, and the bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve puns here", so the pun dashes out. The bartender then remarks "Huh, must've been a running joke." So a pun, a play on words, and…

I told a bunch of jokes I learned from Reddit to my coworkers. One of them was inspired to make his own… What do you call a convention for Irish people with flesh-eating diseases? A Leper-Con!

Top Ten Worst Pickup Lines 10. You remind me so much of Pokemon that I just want to pick-at-choo. 9. I’m new in town. Can I have directions to your house? 8. I misplaced my Teddy Bear. Will you sleep with me? 7. Wow, your legs must be really tired because you have been running through my mind all night! 6. What's that in your eye? Oh, it must be a twinkle from when our eyes met! 5. Did you clean your pants with Windex, because I can totally see myself in them. 4. Those must be space pants…