#noah

In England, a movie theater had to cancel a showing of ""Noah"" due to a flood in the movie theatre. Either that or the 3-D in that theater is really good.

Noah wasn't much for civilized society . . . You could say he was an-arc-ist.

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Plan ahead - It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

Did Noah include termites on the ark?

Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.

When Noah was loading the Ark, where did he put the bees? In the Ark-hives.

These are the only ten times in history the ""F"" word has been acceptable for use... 10. ""What the @#$% was that?"" -Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 9. ""Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"" -Custer, 1877 8. ""Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."" -Einstein, 1938 7. ""It does so @#$%ing look like her!"" -Picasso, 1926 6. ""How the @#$% did you work that out?"" -Pythagoras, 126 BC 5. ""You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"" -Michelangelo,1566 4. ""Where the @#$% are we?"" -Amelia Ear…

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, ""Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans, thy sons and their wives."" He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, ""You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."" Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah we…

When Noah built his ark, he had two snakes aboard. When the animals were leaving, he said, ""Go forth and multiply.""The snakes didn't move.""Go forth and multiply!""They still didn't move.Noah was yelling by now. ""Go forth and multiply!""""We can't,"" they answered.Noah was confused. ""Why not?""""We're adders.""

Why did some snakes disobey Noah when he said ""Go forth and multiply"" ? They couldn't they were adders !

Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing? A: He only had two worms!

What did Noah do while spending time on the ark ? Fished but he didn't catch much. He only had two worms !

God comes and talks to Noah while he is building the Ark... He says :"Noah, Hear my will. I have decided what I wish to fill the first storey of the ark with" "Of course my lord, what is it you wish?" "I wish for you to fill it with carp!" Noah is confused, he says "But my lord, carp can swi- "**DON'T QUESTION MY WILL NOAH**" "Well okay, what do you wish for the second storey?" "I have given this some thought...and I wish it to be filled with carp!" "But my lord..the first sto-" "**DON…

After the Great Flood After the Great Flood, Noah sends the animals to go forth and multiply. A pair of snakes stayed behind. Noah asked, why they stayed. The pair of snakes replies “We can't multiply, we're adders” ... so Noah builds them a log table

My little sister's sick burn She's 7, which makes this so much better. Her: Hey /u/Teeplaysgames, wanna know why Mom named Noah (our brother) Noah? Me: Sure, why? Her: Because the first time she saw him, she yelled "NOO! AHHHH!" and the doctor just wrote that down.

After the flood, Noah tells the animals from the Arc to "go forth and multiply." After a few months, Noah figures he better wander around and see how the animals are doing. Everybody is happy until he comes across a couple of snakes - they are quite downcast and not very happy. Noah asks what wrong, and they say "We are Adders, so we can't multiply!" Noah rubs his chin for a few moments, and then goes into the forest, cuts down a couple of trees, and makes a table out of them. Then he puts th…

Corny jokes! Q: Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? A: Because it's two-tired. Q: What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? A: It becomes daytrogen. Q: Where did Noah keep his bees? A: In the Ark Hives! Q: Can February March? A: No, but April May. Q: What is it called when you kill a friend? A: Homiecide "Fish tanks are stupid!" "Why?" "Fish don't even have any militaries!"

A teenager got his driver's license... ...and asked his father, who was a minister, if he could use his car. The father said, "If you bring your grades up, study the Bible, and get a haircut, then you can use the car." One month later, the teenager asked his father about using the car again. The father said, "Son, I'm proud of you. You have brought your grades up and studied the Bible every day. But you still haven't gotten a haircut!" His son said, "Dad, in my studying of the Bible, I fou…

After the great flood, Noah begins unloading the ark, and instructs the animals to "go forth and multiply!" Once most of the exodus has completed, he noticed a pair of adders in the back looking rather distraught. "What's the matter?" he asked them. "We're only adders, we can't multiply!" said the snakes. Thinking quickly, Noah dashed off into the forest, and returned a short time later carrying a felled tree over his shoulder. After flattening the sides, he placed it on the ground next to th…

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit... ... and he asked his father, who was a minister, if they could start driving dad's car. His father replied, "We'll make a deal. You bring your grades up, study the Bible and get your hair cut.  Then we'll talk about it." After a month the boy came back and again asked his dad if he could use the car. The father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible very well. But you didn't get yo…

After Noah led the animals onto the ark, it started to rain After Noah led the animals onto the ark, two by two, it started to rain for 40 days and 40 nights. After the 15th day, with all the animals cooped up together with no designated toilet area, the ark began to smell. So Noah, being a wise old Noah, decided to set up a designated shitting area at the bow of the ark. He then called the animals in for a meeting. He proceeded to tell them about the newly designated shitting area. After the 2…

A Man Died And Went To Heaven. (I wrote this myself): A man died and went to Heaven. He was a believer, but didn't go to church often. St. Peter meets him at the gates and says: "Before I let you in, you have to answer 3 questions." The man says: "Sure, go ahead." Peter first asks: "Who walked on water in The Bible?"The man replies: "Adam." Peter is confused and says: "No! Jesus walked on water! Alright, whatever. Question 2: Who turned water into wine in The Bible?" The man says: "Noah. He m…

Where did Noah keep the bees? In the archives.

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible dilig…