#noah

God: Noah, I need an ark. Noah: Why don't you ask Joseph, the carpenter? God: Uh [huge grin] cos I'm banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

"COME ON! WE WERE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE HOURS AGO! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN'T SHOWERED?" Noah yelled, waiting for the sloths to get on the Ark

"Ok Noah, that's 2 of everything! Did I see a 3rd sheep in your office tho?" Nope "Yea I did, it had lipstick on?" Nope, raise the anchor

God: What's that? Noah: The aquarium God: For what? Noah: The fish God: Fish can survive floods Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

So the Great Flood has receded, and Noah is releasing all of the animals from the ark... ... Everything is going smoothly - the giraffes, bears, birds - all of them are going forth and repopulating the earth. Suddenly, a pair of snakes goes up to Noah. He says ""What's wrong? Go forth and multiply!"" The snakes say, ""We can't. We're adders."" So Noah goes into the forest and chops down some trees to make some log tables. ""There,"" he said to the snakes, ""now you can multiply by adding.""

Why was Noah such a compelling character? He had a good ark.

What did God say to Noah? ""Make a backup, I need to re-format this.""

Question - Not a joke This is not a joke but I hope my submission will be accepted anyway since it relates to jokes. I'm curious about the preferred way of presenting a play on words. Does reddit prefer to spell based on the implied meaning or the original and let the reader figure it out? Example: Noah keeps the bees in the * Ark-Hives * Archives

An African American invited a white friend over for dinner ... (Disclaimer: I got the idea for this joke from a post from /r/youdontsurf) An African-American man named Noah invited his white friend, Brad, over for dinner with his family. When Brad arrived at the Noah's house, Noah told him that dinner will be out very soon, and guided him to a seat at the dinner table. Brad was famished, and couldn't wait for food to be served. Soon enough, Noah's voice rang from the kitchen, ""Dinner's ready!""…

What did the aardvark say to Noah? What do you mean you only brought two ants!?

What did the gay atheist shout after Noah threw him off the ark for being a gay atheist? Help! I'm thinking!

Where did Noah keep his termites? In a plastic bag.

Where does Noah store his bees? The ark-hives.

And then the God said: ""Noah, make a backup. I'm going to format""

Hey! Need an ark! I noah a guy.

So Noah just gets off of his ark... And he tells the animals getting off, pair by pair, ""Be fruitful and multiply!"" The gorillas come. ""Be fruitful and multiply,"" he says. The blue-tonged skinks come. ""Be fruitful and multiply,"" he says. The snakes come. ""Be fruitful and multiply,"" he says. ""We can't,"" The snakes reply. ""Why not?"" ""We're adders."" Noah thinks for a minute and then tells the animals what to do about this pressing situation. He instructs the Beavers, Woodchucks, and E…

We all know that it isn't polite to use the ""F"" word! There are only ten times in history the ""F"" word has been acceptable for use: 10. ""What the f___ was that?"" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 9. ""Look at all them f___ing Indians!"" - Custer, 1877 8. ""Any f___ing idiot could understand that."" - Einstein, 1938 7. ""It does so f___ing look like her!"" - Picasso, 1926 6. ""How the f___ did you work that out?"" - Pythagorus, 126 BC 5. ""You want WHAT on the f___ing ceiling?"" - Michelangelo, 15…

Hurricane Katrina An old gentleman from New Orleans gets to heaven and is greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter says to him ""You have to pick one story that describes your life and that is the only story you may tell for all of eternity."" The man thinks about it and decides he is going to tell the story of Hurricane Katrina. He looks at St. Peter and says ""I wish to tell the story of Hurricane Katrina and the great flood that nearly destroyed my town."" St. Peter looked at him and ""my son, that is…

Who are the greatest financiers in the bible? Noah, all his stock was afloat when the rest of the world was in liquidation, and Pharaohs' daughter, who went to the bank and found a little prophet.

Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said you were leaving at 4:00. Sincerely, The Unicorns

What did Noah do with all the poop? Threw it overboard. it formed the UK. Taken from here: http://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/comments/240xyy/brilliant_neil_degrasse_tyson_quote/ch2kcxl

Nascar Rain I think if NASCAR would quit being sponsored by the movie Noah we wouldn't have so much rain on race day :)

After the Great Flood, Noah sends the animals to go forth and multiply. A pair of snakes stayed behind. Noah asked, why they stayed. The pair of snakes replies ""We can't multiply, we're adders"" ... so Noah builds them a log table

In the year 2013, the Lord appeared unto Noah, who was now living in America, and said: ""Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing, along with a few good humans."" He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, ""You have 6 months to build the Ark before I bring about unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."" 6 months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "…

The movie ""Noah"" comes out this weekend. It follows the story of a family trying to survive God's wrath on a giant boat for months. Or as that's more commonly known, a Carnival Cruise.