# mitch-hedberg

Mitch Hedberg R.I.P Buddy I was told to move because I was blocking the fire exit ... as if I wouldn't run if there was a fire ... anything flamable and has legs can't ever block a fire exit

#Mitch Hedberg #Buddy

Man, you don't know how hard it is to quit smoking It's as hard as it is to start flossing - Mitch Hedberg I miss this man every day :(

I used to listen to old Mitch Hedberg recordings.. I still do, I just used to too.

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes and post them here for karma I still do, but I used to as well

I've never been booed off stage. I've never been booed off stage! Sure, I've been booed on stage plenty of times... but never off stage. In honor of Mitch Hedberg. RIP.

You know the fly was really close to being called a land... Because that's what it does half the time. RIP Mitch Hedberg

#Dr Acula #Mitch Hedberg #Doctor

I had to find a new doctor. My last one used bloodletting to cure everything. Whatever you do, stay away from Dr. Acula. EDIT: This joke brought to you by Mitch Hedberg, with slight alterations because I didn't remember it right. These credits made possible by someone who bitched at me.

If Mitch Hedberg were still alive: ""Earbuds do not break. They become ear plugs."" I'm sure someone has said this before, but I was just sitting for like an hour with my earbuds in at work not actually listening to anything.

#Mitch Hedberg #Dark Humor

So many years after his death, I stayed in room 1401 and remembered how great Mitch Hedberg was. ""The hotel I'm staying in has no 13th floor 'cause of superstition. But people on the 14th floor: You know what floor you're really on. What room are you in? 1401? No, you're not! If you jump out that window, you will die earlier."" Mitch Hedberg R.I.P.

I used to do drugs... I still do em, but I used to too. RIP Mitch Hedberg

I tried to walk into Target... But I missed. - Mitch Hedberg RIP.

#Mitch Hedberg #Animals #One-Liner

In the style of Mitch Hedberg. I don't like fish eggs on my sushi... ...because I'm against abortion

#Mitch Hedberg #Holiday #One-Liner

I used to go to New Years Eve parties I still do, but I used to too! -Mitch Hedberg style-

I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. - Mitch Hedberg

I tried to walk into Target But I missed. - Mitch Hedberg

A severed foot... ...is the ultimate stocking stuffer. - Mitch Hedberg

I was at a rock and roll concert... ...and the lead singer came up and said: ""how many of you feel human being tonight?"" Then he said: ""how many of you feel like animals?"" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question. - Mitch Hedberg

I want to put a map on my wall and put pins into all the places that I've traveled to.... But first, I'm going to have to travel to the top two corners of the map - so it won't fall down. - Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for 10 days.... ...because that would be too long. - Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg used to do drugs

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, He said ""here's a picture of me when I was younger."" I responded ""Every picture is of you when you were younger."" -Mitch Hedberg

#Mitch #Mitch Hedberg #One-Liner

I used to do drugs i still do, but i used to to. -Mitch rip the legendary Mitch Hedberg

A joke I made up inspired by Mitch Hedberg. ""Last week I had to put down my dog. It was sad."" ""I said, you are one dumb dog.""

#Mitch Hedberg #Animals

A joke I wrote in the style of Mitch Hedberg... I'm gonna change my name to 'marriage,' man. That way, all those girls out there can be saving themselves for *me*!