#george-carlin

George Carlin: Dead. Leslie Nielsen: Dead. Mitch Hedberg: Dead. Greg Giraldo: Dead. Dane Cook: A-Okay. God has some explaining to do.

George Carlin appeared to me in a dream and asked me ""How can there be such a thing as a one-way street when you can obviously cross a street either way?""

""A team of medical scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy, however they claim that no one has shown the slightest but of interest"" - George Carlin

Men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide, even though women attempt it more. So men are better at it! \- George Carlin

I wrote a joke for a stand-up routine that I'll never get to do. Being a comedian is tough. Even when you write your own material, everyone accuses you of stealing from other comedians. Jokes about airline food? Observational comedy? "You got that from George Carlin!" One liners? "You can't do that, Mitch Hedberg does that!" You tell a joke that sucks? "You definitely stole that from Dane Cook!"

I haven't seen this one here, so why not. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HEAVEN AND HELL by George Carlin In HEAVEN . . . The Italians are the lovers, The French cook the food, The Swiss run the hotels, The Germans are the mechanics, And the English are the police. In HELL . . . The Swiss are the lovers, The English cook the food, The French run the hotels, The Italians are the mechanics, And the Germans are the police!

Guy runs a red light A guy runs a red light. His passenger tells him not to do that, but the driver says "It's okay, my brother drives like this!" He runs another red light. His passenger tries to insist, the driver says again "I told ya, it's okay, my brother drives like this!" Then he comes up to a green light and stops. His passenger asks what he's doing now and the driver says "Well, my brother might be coming the other way!" -George Carlin, I don't remember what standup special.

George Carlin on suicide- Quote from life is worth losing **George Carlin:** Do you realise, that right this second, right now somewhere around the world some guy is getting ready to kill himself. Isn't that great? Statistics show that every year a million people commit suicide. Thats 2800 a day. That's one every thirty seconds. [Stares at watch] **George Carlin:** There goes another guy! And I say guy because men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide, even though women at…

If pro is the opposite of con.. Then what is the opposite of progress? Congress.... Thank you George Carlin :)

An American, an Englishman and a Polish guy were on death row at the state penitentiary. The prison governor gave them a choice of three ways to die – be shot, hung, or injected with the AIDS virus. The American said: "Shoot me in the head." The guards did, and the American fell to the floor, dead. The Englishman said: "Hang me." The guards did, and the Englishman slumped to the floor, dead. The Polish guy said: "Give me the AIDS virus." So the guards injected him with the AIDS virus, but the Po…